The Part About Silver Linings

God there are so many ironies in using this picture, but I think that's exactly why I have to use it. I put it up on instagram the night of the daylight savings switch with the following caption: 

Especially on rainy days, always find your silver lining. 

It was a lucky capture; if I hadn't lingered on goodbye I would've missed it completely, and as I drove away, the moon went from glowing on the edge of the cloud to fully illuminating the sky. 

Lucky can't help but describe my year perfectly. And I've come to realize that I'm far luckier than I believed and I REALLY need to work on being grateful. 

It's no secret that I'm not a huge fan of the actual work of my job, even though it's 100000000000% at the company I want to be at. The people I work with, on the other hand, are some of the coolest, funniest, all around bestest people to work with. To get where I want to get and make the connections I need, yeah, I don't mind working at my job. The people at work more than even out my mild dislike for some of the things I have to do at work. 

But today blew me away.

I've had days where I messed up, I've had days where I've been sick off my head, but I'd put in a solid argument for today being the worst day. 

But my coworkers came in around me and did everything they could to make me feel better. As it always is when things are fresh, it was hard to hear reassurances and advice, but they didn't give up. And when I was too bull-headed to accept any of it, they were there to just tell me it'd be okay. And one girl took it upon herself to send me anything funny or fandom related. And then there were cute fuzzy animal pics. And generally lots of giggling. 

Basically, I'm barely there for a third of a year and I've still got the coolest, nicest, all-around kindest coworkers I couldn't imagine having in my wildest dreams. 

So yeah, I had a good time wallowing today at work, but then I got to the gym and tried figuring out my emotional state and found that I was ... Mostly okay, and it wouldn't have been that easy without the people I work with. 

I am lucky. I refuse to forget that. 

Sometimes the worst part about stormy days is keeping my head up and looking for that silver lining ... So it's days like these that make me happy that I have people, coworkers, friends around me who don't make it all that hard to see clearly.

Thanks guys :)

--Tiffany

The Part About Particularly Discouraging Days

I'm not sure whether this architect was having a Particularly Discouraging Day or just hoping for a funny story about that one time some idiot walked out this second story door. Either way, this does not bode well for whoever lives there...

Today was a Particularly Discouraging Day. In all honesty, for me, these come about once every 14-21 days and are usually directly correlated to how long it takes for me to be able to sit down and go through my emails (aka start my day at work) and to my caffeine intake (too much caffeine makes me go haywire and I can't think anymore ... which is the direct opposite of most people, who require caffeine to be a functional part of society).

Contrary to what the name seems like, Particularly Discouraging Days are not the ones where everything goes wrong no matter what you do. Those are just bad days. Particularly Discouraging Days are the ones where just about nothing goes wrong, but nothing quite goes right either, so that the whole day feels wrong. Generally, it's just an off day. And there's usually no helping it.

But these days are the ones that get me down the most.

Part of it is probably my control issues. Being lowest on the totem pole means that the majority of what I do at work is out of my control, but that also means that when the things I am in control of go wrong, I feel a crazy amount of guilt/disappointment in myself for not being able to perform to the best of my abilities. I feel out of control in an environment where I should ... just ... be better at things.

There are certain things that being a personal assistant helped me immensely with pertaining to this job. But, then, there are certain things that being a personal assistant couldn't have helped me prep for before this job- and those are the ones that take me most by surprise. It's just that there are some moments where I feel so far behind the ball, and that the things I'm being told are so obvious, that I can't help but feel like I'm not doing a good job; and thus, I tend to get discouraged when the not-so-good things compound on one day.

So I was mulling, and brooding, and generally thinking way too much about failure on this Particularly Discouraging Day when one of my coworkers asked how I was doing. I'm not sure it was meant to be a hardcore Jesuit CP moment, but I answered honestly and told her my day had been Particularly Discouraging.

Even though it was late, and both of us were just passing through the kitchen on our way to other things, she took the time to reassure me and remind me that we are "at capacity" (aka extremely busy) right now.

Essentially: bad days will inevitably happen. We are running full-steam-ahead, and things won't always go exactly as planned. The most important thing is to keep things in perspective. Not in the general life sense of "I have a job, I have a steady income, I have food, etc." (though, that does help with putting things in perspective), but in the "you are here for a reason" sense.

My reason for being here is that I am qualified for this job. Even qualified people have stumbles and mishaps along the way. I am here to learn something. I have no idea what, at this exact moment, but there is something here to be learned and taken from this trial by fire. As much as I think it's a bit of a cop-out to just accept the notion that "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle" as the reason why things don't go our way, I do think that every new day is a time to learn something I didn't know yesterday.

I won't say that I'm looking forward to my next Particularly Discouraging Day, or that I'll figure out the lesson to be taken from it next time, but I think the next time there's a Particularly Discouraging Day, I'll be able to think back to tomorrow and remember that- even though it feels endless at the time- a Particularly Discouraging Day only lasts for one day.

"I think you just gotta have the bad days, so you can love the good days even more." --Alexander from "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"

--Tiffany

The Part about Thriving With Self-Doubt

I passed this little garden on my way to church today. I was struck by a couple things ... mostly the randomness of it -- people don't usually have a frivolous garden flowing out of their windows. As a child of the 'burbs, I'm used to backyard gardens, lawns, assorted potted indoor plants ... even my mom has a flourishing indoor orchid forest. Basically, everything is neatly contained. I don't know if containment was the initial plan for the plants in the windows, but if it was, I would probably consider that attempt a failure. Just saying.

Anyways, moving on from that tangent. I passed that little garden and thought to myself: of all the places, that garden is thriving in the middle of a desert, in the middle of a concrete jungle, in the middle of a heatwave (another one this year), in the middle of a drought. Go plants! Way to persevere. 

I guess I'm slightly in awe of something as simple as a plant being able to thrive in an uncompromisingly hostile environment. There's a part of me that hopes I can emulate that. Not that my current environment is something that can be considered hostile, but I think I can say it's possibly in the range of not-ideal. Yeesh, do I sound like an entitled millennial when I say that. Whoops. Everything I actively try to avoid.

But seriously, I think it's no secret I have no desire to be in this work situation a year from now. But, I definitely can't be counted as "unhappy". I'm at a workplace I love, working with people who I enjoy being around, getting exposure to the exact kind of work that I'm interested. Definitely not unhappy. Definitely interested and enjoying my life right now.

If that sounds a little like I'm also trying to convince myself, maybe it's because I am? Maybe a little bit?

Short story: this -- in the here and now -- isn't what I want. It's like a quarter of the way to what I want, but even still, it's very much in the realm of "not what I want". Everyone keeps telling me to keep playing the slow game, keep my nose to the ground, and keep working hard, because that's how I'm going to get what I want. The silly millennial in me whines that I want it right now, but I've always been pretty good at staving off the need for instant gratification (thank you parents).

Basically, I have no idea if I'm going to be able to persevere for this year. I'm so, so, so, so afraid that when the time comes, I can't be those thriving plants. It's strange, for a millennial, I have my fair share of entitlement issues (ish), but I think I'm also victim to an equal amount of semi-paralyzing fear that boils down to one thing:

If there's one thing I want more than getting what I want, it'd be to actually deserve to get what I want.

What I have right now already feels like a dream, and I'm not sure what I did to get this. So how do I thrive?

...
...
...

Yeah, I got no good answer to that question. I think ... check back with me in a couple months? Right now, I'm a little too close to this semi-debilitating fear to be able to think clearly around it.

I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to have to find a way to be the plant.

I will persevere.

--Tiffany

The Part About First Years

Written: 9/13/14

As I type this, I'm sitting up in the leaders' lounge at Pali Mountain outside of Lake Arrowhead because I was lucky enough to be invited to come on LMU's First Year Retreat this weekend to help out and be support staff. It's a bit surreal being here; I came on this retreat as a college freshman back in 2008, and, in true Youth Ministry fashion, wished I could lead every year, but was never able to. So, when the staff leader asked if I'd be willing to come up and help out, I jumped at the chance to relax, hang out and help out in the mountains for the weekend.

According to the staff leader, the retreat is still in the same place it's been since forever, which means this is the location that I came to as a freshman six years ago. It's strange up here; they tell me this is the same place but nothing looks the same. Or at least, things look familiar, but not exactly right so I'm not sure if I'm remembering things or remembering pictures I've seen of things. Either way, it's surreal to be back in a place that signaled the beginning of so much. And it's telling that this feels like the beginning of a whole 'nother chapter of my life.

I keep thinking: I should be in Atlanta right now. 

Or, I guess, I can vividly see an entire alternate universe where I'm pulling into the dorm parking lot of the Savannah College of Art and Design after a week-long road trip with my mom. I kind of wonder what we would have done on the way. Where I would've been able to get her to agree to stop to do touristy things, what music I would have shuffled through as we drove, how the a/c would have faired with 500 miles of driving per day with the car packed to the brim.

I would have started grad school on Monday.

I don't know what would have happened after that, what classes would have been like after two years off. I guess I had never really thought about what came AFTER, and by the time I would have started to think about "after", I ended up not having to consider it. So it's kinda crazy being up here in Lake Arrowhead, helping out on a First Year Retreat and knowing that I was almost a first year all over again.

To some extent, I still am a first year anyways, so it's kind of really powerful that I'm here. It's funny to hear the leader talks about where they were freshman year and how much they've changed since freshman year, especially since I'm watching them through the lens of a semi-recent grad. This year is the last year I know people who are in school when I was in school (i.e. they were freshmen when I was a senior). Knowing some of the seniors is an interesting perspective, considering I've known them since they were wee young impressionable freshmen. While I've been wandering around L.A. my babies have grown up! It's nice to see their growth, nice to know that they've touched so many lives. It's also so interesting (and downright weird at some points) to see the leadershp positions they've taken up, considering that the ones I knew have matured so much now.

Most of the people here don't know who I am, just that I'm scurrying around whenever Christine asks me to do something and that the student coordinators seem to know me. Not to toot my own horn, but I know that I had some sort of impact in Campus Ministry and in CSA while a student. So, it's sort of surreal to see how life moves on in a good way. I like knowing that the future of LMU student life is in capable hands and that said hands are passing it along to good people in the future (and that the cycle will hopefully continue for along while after that). 

Starting over, starting new is always tough and scary and nerve-wracking and a whole bunch of other adjectives I can't think of. But watching these kids (because, let's be honest, they're adults by law, but kids in every other sense of the word) who are starting a new life in college ... it gives me hope for my future. Not that I'm going to be someone totally brand new and different now that I have a job and my own apartment, but that I can always strive to be the best version of who I want to be. I don't need to be doing exactly what I think I should be doing at this very moment. 

Instead, I feel like the lesson of this weekend is that everything takes time. It took time to cultivate these freshmen into the people who applied to LMU, got in, and decided to come on the First Year Retreat. I know I want to be successful and doing what I love, there's just no easy way of getting there (general hint for life: there never is). Sometimes, deserving people get a good break, and sometimes they don't -- as for me, I have to take the long way around, and that MUST be something that I accept. Not in the sense that every day has to be rainbows and sunshine, but I need to remember that everything in the way of me getting what I want and doing what I want is a lesson that I need to learn. a lesson that might hurt, a lesson that might take years longer than I hope it does, but a lesson all the same.

Whatever that lesson is, this is my mantra: patience, self; the important things take time.

--Tiffany 

The Part About Endings

"Endings are hard. Any chapped-ass monkey with a keyboard can poop out a beginning, but endings are impossible. You try to tie up every loose end, but you never can ... There's always gonna be holes. And since it's the ending, it's all supposed to add up to something." -- Chuck, "Supernatural"

So ... A funny thing happened on the way to Georgia.

Read on for fun. :) I'll keep it short, I promise. Mostly because I'm barely not-delirious (thanks Comic Con :)).

April rolled around, which saw the final pieces of my grad school application falling into place. Finally, finally SCAD had gotten my teacher recommendation letter after it getting lost along the way the first time. A few weeks passed, and I got in. Unexpected, to say the least, but thankfully, a new adventure.

Almost simultaneously, I was offered an internship by a guy who I played volleyball with. Things were great there! The guys were all really welcoming, great mentors, and genuinely fun to be around at work all day.

I was still working as a personal assistant and a technical writer for Chaos Group. Come July, I left my personal assisting job so that I could focus on interning and working for Chaos Group.

Everything was going really, really well. But nothing was coming up that would keep me here past the end of July. The deal always was: apply, apply, apply for everything. If you find a job, you stay in LA. If not, you go home at the end of your lease and go to grad school. Not the best thing ever, but a plan is still a plan.

The middle of July rolled around, and while reading for Chaos Group one day, I was messaged about applying for a job at The Third Floor, my dream company. An entry-level, receptionist/PA job, but a JOB. At The Third Floor. Okay, let's do this.

I applied. I heard back. I interviewed. I had a good time. I thought the feelings were mutual, and I heard back in an obscenely short amount of time. Things were good!

I went back for another interview. I was way more nervous than I thought I'd be. It wasn't as good as the first, but I was hopeful.

But I didn't hear back. And I didn't hear back. And I didn't hear back.

So, I'm sorry to say I gave up. I resigned myself to going home at the end of the month, after one last hurrah at Comic Con.

I was still upset, but I was having a good time. It's been something I've wanted to do for a while now, so I was making the best out of it.

Then, on Friday, I got an email requesting that I call The Third Floor. So I did, and, as it turns out, I gave up too soon.

Guys, but really. I GOT A JOB. A bonafide full-time, full-paid position at a place that I 1000000% want to be at.

So, that's that. A funny thing happened on the way to Georgia. A really funny thing happened called a job.

And in the entirety of the whole process, it finally got through to me that even though I've been working my hardest to keep up a good front, keep up hoping that I could do it, somewhere along the way, I think I gave up on myself. If anything, these past few months have been a reminder that nothing is ever accomplished alone. I'll always get by with a little help from my friends. The future's wide open, folks.

I'm staying in LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hope's kind of the whole point." -- Sam, "Supernatural"

--Tiffany

The Part About the Bikini Body

I hate the beach
Because the beach in summer means:
Bikinis and board shorts and never feeling
Good enough.
My stomach isn't flat like that other girl's.
Her legs are better than mine.
Man, it's only May and she's already got a better tan than me.

God, why did I even come here in the first palce?

I hate the beach
Because the beach in summer means:
My body is no longer my own.
It's not just that I don't like boys gawking at me;
What makes it bad is the girls.
I see them judging me.
What's worse is I see them judging
Themselves.

God, I wished they'd all just stop staring.

I hate the beach
Because the beach in summer means:
Whispers in every directions.
Ohmygod, she's got to be, like, anorexic to be that skinny.
Oh man, that girl's a whale.
Are they saying that about me too?
Why am I even saying these awful things?

I came because I wanted some sun and fun.

I hate the beach
Because the beach in summer means:
Feeling guilty for the serving of Animal Style Fries.
Whoops there's the pudge.
And now the poking and prodding and pulling
At the skin around my waist.
I think I'm getting fat.

I really shouldn't have eaten dinner last night, even though I hadn't eaten all day.

I hate the beach
Because the beach in summer means:
There's no time to love myself as I am.
I probably should be working out
To make sure I look good for the summer sun.
I think I'll skip even the salad tonight.
I'll be all right.

That'll keep the extra calories off.

I hate the beach
Because I hate the goddamn bikini body.
This summer's too hot for me to care.
I'm tired and hungry, and I want my life back.
I want to eat that cheeseburger
My bikini body is saying is a bad idea.
It's a fight to say yes, when the beach is saying no.

But yes I'll say because my body's my own.

--Tiffany

The Part About 22

Well hello there again! Yeesh, I'm a little embarrassed to say I have been woefully neglectful to this sweet baby of mine, despite my ability last year to somehow keep it up despite all the crazy, but seeing as today is the last day before I go from being "magical and miserable" (thanks T.Swizzle) to "nobody likes [me] cause [I'm] 23" (thanks Blink. I'm glad you have such faith in my inevitable downfall from popularity), I figured I'd get my graduation goggles on and write a little something about being 22 and then make a birthday resolution to keep this blog up (cause that actually worked last year for my 2013 New Year's Resolution).

So: 22 Things I Learned at 22

1. Age is just a number: Maybe it's just because I'm getting older, but maybe it's because I actually believe it. Either way, I think it's important enough to put first on this list. Why do I say this? Because I feel like I know far too many people my age who are freaking out about the prospect of getting older, and it makes me a little sad for them. With getting older comes wisdom ... but it doesn't mean you have to ACT on it. Just because I'm wiser than I was yesterday doesn't mean I'm less fun to go out with. I'm by no means encouraging acting immaturely all the time, but I think it's important to know when the time and place is to act like a kid, and then let yourself  be in the mind space of awe and wonder. And possibly (probably?) immaturity. ('cause I'm by no means saying there's ever anything wrong with a "that's what she said" joke ... just that there might be a wrong time or place. And for the people worrying about losing energy or physical ability, I know plenty of ladies and gentlemen who are playing volleyball against young kids like me well into their 60s and older. If you let yourself become stagnant, then, yeah, you will lose energy and physical stamina, but if you constantly look for activities that work with your changing body, then there shouldn't be a problem. Okay. Getting off my soap box now.

2. Play your strengths: I haven't put the story of how I got my internship up here (hah. I bet anyone who exclusively kept up with my life via this blog didn't even know I got an internship, but that's part of the reason I have been MIA here), but it has a little bit to do with playing to my strengths. In this case, almost literally. See, I met someone when I started playing volleyball down back near LMU, and it just so happened (though I didn't find out until much later) that he was a VFX Supervisor at Diesel FX in Venice. A weakness of mine is interviewing ... I have sort of a bad habit of defaulting to how I was brought up, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but almost means that I'm much more in line with the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality" around adults. Admittedly, not the best interview strategy. However, in the case of volleyball, I'm a loud-mouthed, opinionated, jumping around, hyper super-girl (okay, the last description is an exaggeration), and I'm much more comfortable with anyone that I meet there. So, in the sense that I was able to showcase my true personality, playing volleyball was the perfect vehicle for an internship interview -- I showed my positive attitude, my ability to work with a team, my outgoingness ... all that was left was to show him my reels to prove I was capable of working animation programs, and then I was able to acquire my internship. So, I learned to (literally) play to my strengths. If one form of meeting doesn't accurately portray who you are, find another way to showcase who you are -- in all aspects of life.

3. Don't give up: This one's an easy one to explain. The last two years since I graduated (yikes, it's exactly two years in like six days) have been so tough because I'm not doing what I want to be doing, and I've been stuck in some pretty hilariously dead-end jobs. But ... I did my best to persevere. I'm not saying there were nights that I couldn't sleep out of fear or worry, and that there weren't nights where I just cried and cried to my mom, and said I just couldn't do it anymore, but in the end, I did. And I'm by no means there yet, so I have to keep not giving up until I'm where I'm want to be. There have been extremely near misses recently, and then this internship, which only can give encouragement that if I stick to what I'm working towards, and keep working away, I'll get to where I'm supposed to be going, and that's hopefully where I'm supposed to be.

4. Cynicism is the easy way out: Not going to lie, I'm still struggling with this one. I haven't been able to fully vent my frustrations with a no-longer-recent almost-relationship from last year, but I vividly remember talking to my parents about it, and my dad saying that, while it didn't go the way I wanted it to, that I could hopefully learn something from it. To which I angrily responded that all that I could possibly have learned from the situation is to be guarded and put up walls because I'd been surprisingly forthcoming with the guy. My dad immediately disagreed, and the more I thought about it, the more I unequivocally knew he was right. It is the easy way out to be cynical and guarded and not believe that a guy is sincere in what he says; it is so much more difficult to get hurt over and over again but be open to new experiences and not put up walls. I like to think I'm down for challenges and not taking the easy way out, so I guess this is something I really need to work on. I'm most definitely still struggling a bit with this one, but it's one of those aha! moments that I had while 22, so I figured I'd throw this in there.

5. Be selfish for a quick minute and do what makes you happy (and then be your best for others): It sounds awful, but sometimes what other people want of you just isn't something that you can give to them at that time. If you're not in the right mindset to take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? So, I'm saying it. Be selfish. Take care of yourself. Make me time and don't let anyone try to talk you out of making sure you're going to be okay first. First rule of first aid is to make sure you're okay first during an emergency before you try to help other people.

6. Pray: So this one is one I'm a little ashamed to admit, but I'm not the best at praying. But for Lent, I decided to consistently pray, morning and night, and to read the daily gospel first thing, and whenever I got a chance to in the middle of the day, as a sort of ... grounding agent. And what happened? I ended Lent feeling much more grounded, much more ... surrounded by love. Yeah, I'm vague on the details because I'm not exactly sure how to explain it totally, but there was most definitely a sense of peace that I didn't have before.

7. There is no such thing as too much volleyball: Yeah ... I went from playing one day a week to playing three days a week. Thankfully I'm not tired all the time anymore! It's lovely to be as active as I get to be because I'm playing so much, and it's wonderful because it's a social sport, which means laughing, and movement, and lots and lots of trash talking :) FUN.

8. On the subject of physical activity, batting cages are a great way to get out pent-up aggression: So when we moved into our new apartment, E and I found out there's an kiddie park near us which includes three mini golf courses, a aging arcade, and BATTING CAGES. Those things are amazing. I mean, it's fun to spend some money on balls that I'm not really all that great at hitting, and even though I'm not great at making contact, the physical motion of swinging a metal bat at a fastball is strangely therapeutic. And a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for a real therapist.

9. Explore somewhere new when at all possible: Even if it's just around the corner! Again, in moving to Sherman Oaks, we moved into a great area with lots of young people and lots of stores and bars and fun places to explore ... which is what we didn't do when we lived in West LA, much to our chagrin when we found out there was a swanky rec center not half a mile away with fun things to do. So the first thing we did was wander around Sherman Oaks and find all the fun new things we could do! And lo and behold, delicious brunch, batting cages, and the awesome Urban Outfitters Surplus store. Wouldn't have known about any of them if we didn't just take that first step out the door.

10. Don't play at being someone you're not: There are places I will never fit in. There are people I will never gel with. But if there's one thing I've learned from watching the effort of my boss do everything in her power to make sure her kids "fit in" and that she's a super mom, it's that all the pretension is exhausting. It drains you until you can't be who you want to be because you're so busy being who everyone else thinks you are. Yeesh. That sentence was enough for me to get tired just worrying if that's circular logic. I hope it's not.I figure that I think about it in the long term -- if you tell someone you are Person A, and tell them more than once, you will forever be Persona A to them unless you want to break their faith in you, and even if you feel that Person B is who you actually are.

11. Keep in touch with those you love: In this day and age, it would seem easy to keep in touch with people ... there's facebook, twitter, texting, email, skype, vine, instagram, snapchat, and despite it all, never enough time. I'll be the first to say that keeping in touch shouldn't be hard anymore, but life moves along so quickly that, despite all the things that could make communication easier, it's hard to keep up with someone you care about unless you make that conscientious effort to communicate. For me, there's nothing harder than staying in touch with someone who's nowhere near you, but the joy of having them emotionally close makes it worth it. Find the method of keeping up that works for the people you love. I wrote letters to one of my best friends for almost a full year. My mom and I have a standing phone call date every Monday night after volleyball. I spam my friends' walls with Doctor Who stuff when at all possible. It can be little, but the overall idea that you're keeping them in mind still counts for something.

12. Call your mother: Mom's gonna be happy about this one. I'm pretty abysmal at keeping in contact with my parents sometimes, but my elongated conversations with my Mother after volleyball these past few months have been a wonderful time of laughter, arguing, catching up, and just being with my parents even if I can't be with them physically. SO CALL. YOUR. MOTHER.

13. Never trust the hot guy: Thanks Agent Ward :[ ... Haha jk, but, really, never judge a book by its cover. The story inside is by far more interesting than the one shown to the world. And I think the nudge to make sure not to overlook the not-as-attractive guy for the hot guy is one all of us humans (myself included, if not especially) needs to remember more often.

14. Be unabashedly open about the things you love: Matt Smith of Doctor Who fame has many-a-time said that the world needs to be a bit more like Comic Con because it's a coming together of people who are just genuinely excited to be celebrating the things they love with other people. It's nerd heaven, essentially, and everyone there knows that everyone else there is there because they feel passionately about something that has touched them in some way. I figure that if we let other people tell us that caring about the things we care about makes us somehow ... less, then they win. They defeat us because they are taking away our love, which, in my opinion, is the single strongest emotion that a person can have, and something no one (other than ourselves) should be able to do to ourselves. Besides, unabashed openness and love shows passion. And passion is sexy. Just putting that one out there.

15. Try new things: Yeah, this is one of those bland generic ones, but this year, I started attempting to sew a dress. Entirely by hand. As in, without a sewing machine. It's a relatively simple dress, but I've never made a dress before, so this is a completely new experience, and it could fall flat very easily. So, I guess it's not about trying new things, and it's not really about trying to challenge myself. It's ... about not letting potential adversity stop you from doing something you want to try to do. I like to think it's a brand of feminism to grab hold of what I want to do and just do it, even if it is something like making clothing. But at the very least, when the zombie apocalypse hits, I'll be the one who can mend shirts and make things, so hopefully that means I won't be walking around with holes in my clothes, and I'll be able to stay warm in the sub-zero temperatures I will inevitably flee towards.

16. Go deep sea fishing: Or in layman's terms (for those of you who get seasick), plan a mini vacation. Maybe it's because I'm not a great fisherwoman, but I look forward to deep sea fishing as something that clears the soul, and offers a lot of phone-free time to hang out and chat. It's relaxing. There's a lot of waiting, and you're - for the most part - out of cell reception, so it's just a time to hang out and be present to whomever you're with. And there's always a possibility that you'll catch your dinner, which is never a bad thing.

17. Make resolutions that you actually mean to keep: It's kind of funny this is one of those things I learned during the last year, but I think there's something to be said about thinking deeply about the resolutions you make at New Year's and really contemplating if it's something that is attainable or doable in the next year. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I make resolutions that are so big that I don't know where to start, which means, at least for me, I never get started because I am far too intimidated by the bigness of the project to do anything about it. Cure for that: stretch a big-resolution project over multiple years. If you get on a roll and finish it in less time, that's fantastic, but for the weeks and months that are super congested, it won't be as bad in the long run. Also, when it comes to big projects, break it down and resolve to have Part A done by the end of this year. Then at the end of that year, resolve to get Part B done, etc. etc. And on the flip side of the situation, if your resolution is planned out and doable, putting it down in words, keeping it at the forefront of your mind because it is a resolution is actually a great motivator.

18. I am worthy of someone who takes me as I am: I am a big fan of personal growth. But I'm also very much of the idea that personal growth is just that -- personal. An outside force can't be the reason you decide to change (for the better or otherwise), or else there'll always be the possibility that they will leave your life in someway and you will regress. I'm also not into the idea of "saving" someone. To me, that screams co-dependent relationship, not healthy relationship. Maybe I'm just looking at this through the wrong lens, but if a guy doesn't accept me and wants me to change to make him happy, he's not looking for me; he's not looking for the "better" version of me. Problem! The "better" version of me is someone I'm not yet, so he may as well date another girl, because who I am in a year will more than likely be a completely different girl than who I am now, but I'd rather be with someone who is happy that the change happens within myself, and doesn't force it upon me because his ideal version of me doesn't match up to who I am now.

19. There is never, EVER a good reason for abuse. Ever: This one's a bit of a funny one (situationally, not haha that's so funny kind of funny). The idea of abuse is still a relatively foreign concept to me; I just got a lot closer to it this year than I have in the past, which is kind of funny considering I volunteered at a battered women's shelter for three years at LMU. I witnessed how abuse can tear down a child, tear down a family, and it didn't hit home to me until I actually knew someone teetering on the edge of a potentially abusive relationship. But it just made me know, know without a hint of doubt in my mind, that any excuse or reasoning or what have you that a person gives to his/her significant other for hurting them is a feeble attempt at control. The disconnect between the idea of something and facing that something is enormous, and for that reason, I'm glad that this is a lesson that was actually set in front of me this past year, and not just something I dealt with on a ... well, I hate to put it this way, but on a removed, academic level. 

20. There are very few things in life more satisfying than a good pair of boots: Haha I had to stick this one in because my ginormous calves are always giving me issues. They're the reason I can't buy riding boots, or mid-calf boots, despite how much I want to (Dammit shoe companies!) So I'm not going to lie, it was a bit of a coup when I saw a pair of boots I liked, and I put them on, and they fit. Sometimes it's the little things that make a good day. :)

21. Make art, not war: When I'm at war with myself, I make art. Art isn't something that can be half-assed; you have to throw yourself into it. In that sense it's a therapeutic, almost ... aggressive thing. Pent up aggression is released, but something beautiful is created from the chaos. To me, art is about bringing the chaos under control, at least for a little while.

And finally ...

22. Nothing is better than a good long night of country line dancing: Need I say more? :)

PHEW! That was a marathon of a post. Not going to lie, it's 1:30AM, and I may or may not be a little delirious. Thanks for reading to the end. Hope some of my ramblings make sense and possibly offer a tad bit of insight if anyone out there is struggling more than necessary.

Will post more soon!

--Tiffany