The Part at the Intersection of Feminism, Chivalry, and Respect

As someone who likes to go perusing feminist websites during her free time, I've come across some pretty entertaining websites speaking specifically to the possible social and mental implications of CAT-CALLS directed at women on the streets. The argument, first and foremost, is that, while the male may not be specifically intending too make the woman feel uncomfortable in public, him directing wolf-whistles and "hey you're sexy!!!"s at an unsuspecting passerby automatically puts her on edge and takes away her basic right to feel safe in public. And, unfortunately, oftentimes the things said are derogatory and, more specifically, objectify women (which opens a whole 'nother can of worms).

This hasn't happened to me, personally, many times, but every time it HAS happened, I can say for a fact that, yes, I was very much uncomfortable, sometimes scared, depending on the time of day, and ended up booking it to wherever I was going. Which is unfair, because I live supposedly live in a first world country where things like sexual assault and harassment are supposed to have serious consequences, and I SHOULD be free to go somewhere without first having to consult the rape schedule! Yes, I live in LA, which isn't the safest place in the world, but I do my best not to be in the sketchier places whenever I can avoid it. I'm expected to always be attentive wherever I go because if I'm assaulted, it's actually my fault (sarcasm button anyone?)

This morning, I dropped my car off at the dealership to get some work done on it, and because it's in Santa Monica, I decided to try to get a chunk of my Christmas shopping done. The dealership is about a mile from the Third Street Promenade, so I walked west down Santa Monica Boulevard (a busy, well-trafficked street, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Los Angeles) to the Promenade. About two blocks away from where I was headed, a guy turned onto Santa Monica, walking about five feet ahead of me on the left side of the sidewalk. I walked behind him for about a block, until he caught sight of a friend (I think) sitting on a planter on the right side of the sidewalk and slowed to speak with him. From the other direction, another girl was walking east, and both she and I passed between the two guys because they were on either side of the sidewalk.

As we passed between the two guys, the guy I had been following said, "Babe Alert! Babe Alert!" and turned to laugh with his friend. I had passed by them, and, what with the few weeks I've had and how much I've been thinking about how to treat a girl well, I wasn't going to let that slide. Now, I'm sure some of you who know me well are sort of hoping that I really went off on the guy, but, while I gave him a very firm verbal lashing, I didn't do anything truly rash. And keep in mind it was like 8:45 AM, aka a time of day when there were people out and about, and it was moderately SAFE to call a guy out on his impropriety. 

The "conversation" went something like this:

Me: You know, that is completely unnecessary and rude for you to do.

Him: Oh shut up, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking about the other girl.

Me: It doesn't matter who it was about, you can't go saying those kind of things that objectify women like that.

Him: Get out of here, you don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I just hope you know that it's despicable for there to be men like you out there. (yes, I legit called the guy despicable. In a real conversation. In real life. Hahahahaha)

Him: Shut up, just get out of here.

And on and on. Essentially, I'd say something about him being disrespectful, and he would tell me to shut up and go away. It wasn't an elongated conversation. I'm not exactly well-versed in confronting people about things that upset me, but it's something I want to get better at, especially in these situations. And I had way more important things that I needed to get done to bother with doing more than calling out an idiot who was just going to spew more idiocy at me.

But this situation shows me that it comes down to this ... when you heckle or harass a woman in public, that means one thing, and one thing only, to me: you have opened up yourself to being heckled or harassed in public yourself. Why? If you can't stand the heat, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN. If you're uncomfortable with someone telling you that you are wrong, despicable, inappropriate, rude, or a generally derogatory person, then you don't get to expect to be left alone when you make a woman - ANY woman - feel uncomfortable just for walking down the street. 

I am fully aware that as soon as I walked away, those guys probably started mocking me (I mean, who in their right mind under 50 uses "despicable" in conversation lol! It's a good one, but a bit old-fashioned. At least it didn't devolve into petty name calling ... there could have been a few choice and not-exactly-family-friendly monikers I could have thrown at him.), but you know what, I'd rather be mocked for saying the truth than be silent and therefore silently give consent to feel less than respected as a human being. 

Respect is, in my opinion, the most basic human right. Personally, it comes before love, and shelter, and food, and warmth, mostly because it is something that can be given regardless of one's status in society. Yes, I'm aware that some people's automatic response will be that is an idea, and therefore not going to be actually useful to people who have actual physical needs like the ones I've listed, but if you think about it, if everyone truly had respect for each and every human life, everyone would be doing much more to make sure that all those needs were met. Just sayin'.

Anyways, off my soap box and back to respect. Those people in the world who considers cat calls and wolf whistles to be an appropriate way to compliment girls are missing the intrinsic fact that sometimes, those same girls may not be comfortable with hearing those things said about them. "If they don't like it, why don't they SAY anything about it then?" Well, for the exact reason that I ended up having a ridiculous conversation with some dude too stoned out of his mind to be able to say anything constructive without insulting me or putting me down. 

If a girl stands up for herself on the street and says she doesn't want to be referred to as such, she is told to calm down because the words were a compliment. She is told to stop being such a bitch and that she should be grateful that someone thinks she is "some hot thang" to be ogled at. She is told to shut up and complicity agree to become an object, not a person.

She is no longer respected as a human being. 

Cue my discussion on chivalry.

Another sect of feminism I've found has started chaffing against the idea of chivalry ... The old-fashioned, antiquated idea that men should go out of their way to open doors, pull out seats, pay for dinner, etc. This attack on chivalry hasn't sat with me as well as I think the strongly feminist side of me wishes it would. I keep trying to tell myself "I AM WOMAN. I AM STRONG. I CAN PAY MY OWN WAY, AND I DON'T NEED A MAN TO BABY ME BECAUSE I AM WOMAN!!!!" But the old-fashioned way I was raised tells me that chivalry isn't dead. Or if it is, it's something I should be mourning wholly. 

So, I think I've found a way, after my experience today, to meld the two. No, chivalry isn't dead, but no, I don't need you to baby me either. Men, what I need from you is your RESPECT. From what I understand, chivalry was based on the idea that women in the medieval times were pure, breakable creatures, who needed everything taken are of and done for them (ahhh my fingers burned just typing that!) While, obviously, girls aren't like that today, it seems that, in an ideal medieval world, the consequences of incorrect thinking (girls are weak) stems from a very correct idea: girls are to be respected. 

If your idea of respecting me means that you don't hold the door open for me, I'm not going to have any problem with that. I can do that myself. But if your idea of respecting me is hollering across the street that "You're a hot bitch, look at that ass!", then we are going to have a problem. 

Why? Because I'm no longer being respected. And I'm not okay with being considered an object, and with someone else trying to take me down a level and force me to be something subhuman. Feminism is based on the somehow radical idea that women are people too. In modern times, in a progressive America, this is supposed to mean that our rights need to be the same as men's, which some feminists have translated to voting rights, equal pay, etc., which are all great things but also all stem from the concept of having basic respect for women. That's why I believe feminism and chivalry go hand in hand. Both of them encourage the idea that women are important and deserve respect, just like every other person in the world.

Words and ideas evolve over time (think of any slang word you've ever heard. I guarantee it didn't start out meaning what it does now). Maybe it's time that the idea of chivalry started evolving too. It's not no longer making a woman feel small or powerless; maybe it should now be about making sure a woman feels empowered and safe in her own space and in public. She, like any human being, deserves your utmost respect, especially in places where she is being observed because her response will influence the responses of people around her to similar situations they may find themselves in. 

They say words can never hurt you, but your words also have power, people. Regardless of who you are and who you're saying things to, words have the power to instill fear, self-doubt, and immeasurable pain. Make sure what you're saying is affirming and respectful.

--Tiffany

P.S. if you really want to give a girl a compliment on the street, honestly, just say to the girl, sincerely, "I think you're very pretty. Have a nice day." and walk off (that's the important part ... Don't linger or it'll go from a nice compliment to creepy.) She'll probably be weirded out, but I promise that type of encounter will stick with her in a much more positive manner than "Babe Alert! Babe Alert!" ever will. If she wants to stop you and say "Thank you", that's her perogative. Just because you gave her a compliment doesn't mean she owes you anything in return.

P.P.S. here are some fun links to some witty responses to inappropriate cat-calling, feminism, etc.:
- The Hollaback Movement, which I heard about from this hilarious video that got shared around Facebook a little while back
- this one's more about the idea of rape culture, but he makes some good points about where it all starts from.
- this one's works to define feminism in her own terms, and touches on the first part of what I dedicated this blog post to talking about