The Part About Beauty and the Beast

Well, those of you who know my dating status as of the past week know that there have been an ... *ahem* interesting slew of men that I have been talking to. Part of it is definitely the fact that I reactivated my OkCupid account, and then the other part is just ... stupidity. Well, not really, but whatever. This post isn't about boys and their pick-up attempts. That's sort of just the set-up part 1.

Set-up part 2: I recently read a really brilliant article titled The Stupidity of Natural Beauty by Kate Fridkis. Part of why it's so awesome is because it's on a site called Eat the Damn Cake, and that is pretty much the best name for a blog ever. But it's a site about body image, and respecting yourself despite society, and basically focuses on all the things about positive body image that I love. So cool!

But this part really stuck out to me, concerning the topic of natural beauty:

      "... We praise people for being “naturally” smart, too, “naturally” athletic, and etc. But studies continue to show, as they have for some time now, that it is generally healthier to praise schoolchildren for being hardworking, than for being naturally gifted. We know now that to emphasize a child’s inherent ability places pressure on that child to continue to be accidentally talented, which is something that is hard for anyone to control."

I bolded the part that I thought was particularly worthy of mention. I mean, of course it all comes down to syntax and how a word is interpreted, but Ms. Fridkis has a point. Honestly, it's up to the genes of your parents if your face is going to be symmetrical and pleasing to the eye or whatever.

Natural beauty is not a myth; it's just not the thing that should be talked about the most. 

But as Ms. Fridkis points out, it's the thing that people focus on almost singularly as reason for excitement when talking about girls. And in doing so, they brush aside all the real things girls women have worked for -- their brains, their interests, their hopes and dreams. The focus on the "natural" inclination towards anything pushes away the ability to focus on what one might actually want. Society's continual emphasis on inherent beauty becomes the sole focus of some girls' lives; they never see past the fact that beauty has become a smokescreen that can literally stop a girl from thinking about other, more important things, like her future or her mental acumen.

So here's how this all relates to me (because, let's be real, this is my personal blog ... about me ... so I'm gonna be self-centered and jabber on about me for a little while longer). The guy I recently met, while out in Westwood with my friend, Tiffy, from high school, and (stupidly) gave my number to on a whim ... his first text to me was: "Hi beautiful, it's [the Vegan Anarchist]." Obviously, names have been changed because 1. I feel the need to give a modicum of privacy when possible, and 2. the nickname just cracks me up every time I say/write/hear it and I need a laugh every now and then.

It just ... rankled me to be referred to as "beautiful", like it was my name (he totally had my name, btw). Now, I'm not complaining about being considered pretty or beautiful ... it's a compliment, I get it, and I get that an initial physical attraction is what usually spurs a guy (or girl) to, you know, chat up someone they are interested in. I myself have done just that before. It just becomes a problem when physical beauty becomes the only point of interest. No joke, a later text from this guy read: "Have you ever considered modeling? ... It could be your new career." Again, rankled.

In our quick ten minute conversation the night before, I know I'd mentioned something about being in animation, and this is his response to me? I worked my butt off to earn my degree, to come out as one of the top kids in my year at university, to be a well-rounded person, I'm in a pretty unexpected field that I'm sure you know little to nothing about, and that's really what you say to me concerning my future field? Essentially, I've been relegated to the post of "something pretty to look at". If that's not considered ten steps backward for feminists, I don't know what would be.

Again: "Tiffany, calm the eff down, it was a compliment!! You should be flattered that he thinks you're good looking!" Let me refer you to the above article (yeah, for good measure, I'm linking to the same article twice in one post. it's THAT important). I had no choice in how I was born looking; that is why I have focused my talents on being intelligent, creative, and witty. Well, actually, it's because I was raised in a manner where my looks were not the most important part of my day, but that's beside the point (thanks parents!).

What is the point is that behind every pretty face is a brain. He had my number; it wouldn't have been too hard to ask what I was interested in, what I've been watching on TV ... for Christ's sake, what I thought of the political situation regarding North Korea ... anything but focusing on how I look. I have no say in my looks, so I choose to be engaging, I choose to think quickly, and I choose to be intelligent.

I don't know ... maybe that was just how he's been conditioned to talk to girls: "Girls always talk about their looks, and all the girls I've talked to in the past like it when I say they're pretty, so I'll just tell her she's really pretty ... like a model!" Ugh, I don't even want to get started on how much wrong was in that sentence.

But, if that's how he's been taught to think about girls, maybe it's not actually his fault.

Go back and reread that sentence. It becomes pretty obvious; we've created a beast of a situation in how society views us. This isn't a problem with how guys think of girls; it's a problem of how girls think of themselves. I'm not putting down any of my guy friends, but let's be real, guys just don't get girls (hey, now, you've all admitted it yourselves). Guys, boys, men, they don't know how to relate to creatures of (seemingly) another species (at times. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about). So, they relate to us how we relate to us.

So here is the nature of this beast: when girls meet each other for a night on the town, the first thing said is usually something along the lines of levels of hotness. At well-televised events, like the Oscars or the Grammys, we talk specifically about what a celebrity wore and how she looked in it. After not seeing a girl friend for an extended period of time, we usually comment that: "she looks good. she lost weight." We relate to each other in terms of physical appearance, so that's what we have shown guys to do in order to grab our attention.

I think it might really come down to just one thing: we need to reteach the meaning of beauty. If we, as strong, intelligent women, want to stop being treated as "that pretty thing to look at", we have to be the ones to step up and say SCREAM that we are more than we look. We have brains, and (surprise!!) thoughts, and feelings, and dreams, and ambitions. We have to send those drinks back with a note saying, "I am more than my face or the way I look. I have an imagination, and a heart, and a great theory about last week's episode of my favorite TV show. If you're really interested in me, come and ask me about any of the aforementioned topics."

We've got to start somewhere. If breaking down "natural", physical beauty is where it has to begin, so be it. I doubt there's a girl in the world who wouldn't want to be known as hard-working and intelligent over just being pretty.

--Tiffany