The dreaded "R" word ... Romance. It's a pretty big part of our day to day life, at least in an ideal world, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have romantic inclinations every now and then, but there are so many pitfalls on the road to relationships that I thought I'd chime in on things that have been going on in my life (surprise!) romantically here. So ... here goes:
I recently found myself in an interesting, and really not all that common of a situation (for myself, at least) ... I found myself teetering on the edge of a friends-with-benefits situation. It's been kind of on my mind as of late since this article came out about the hook-up culture at Penn State, but when I first read it, I didn't really have any experiences that would lend themselves to writing on the topic without coming off as having a "holier-than-thou" mentality because I'd never really been in a hook-up situation.
Anyways, the article supposes that it's not an uncommon trend at colleges today, the idea of being too busy or career-focused for a relationship. And I buy it, what with everyone these days trying to get ahead, there's little time for things like relationships or meeting people when jobs and bosses constantly expect young people to be available, ready, and willing at any moment. The idea of settling down to try to start a family is usually the last thing on any young person's mind. Yet, when I was propositioned by this young man to start this ... "relationship", for lack of a better word, I was appalled at both him and myself.
The situation was as follows: we'd run into each other after not seeing each other for a few years, and I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, and we decided to meet up again. Meeting turned into kissing (sorry Mom, should've mentioned this part isn't going to paint me in a pretty light, but if I can't be honest here, I probably shouldn't be writing about my life in general in a public forum), and it was all very exciting. A little ways down the road, he ... I don't know, let's call it getting cold feet -- and tells me that he doesn't want anything serious right now, that he wants to focus on his future. But hanging out and acting on our physical attraction to each other is most definitely not out of the question. And there was the implication of non- exclusivity.
So, doing what all good girls do when faced with a confuddling romantic situation, I consulted two of my best female friends who didn't know him. One hasn't been in a relationship in a fair amount of time and is most definitely on the prowl for someone (we'll call her #1), and the other was, ironically enough, stuck in a situation very much like mine (we'll call her #2). I'd told #2 multiple times how much I disapproved of the way he dangled himself in front of her, would act jealously if she saw other guys, but decidedly refused to commit while expecting her to just stay and wait for him to figure out his crap. I'd told her many-a-time that she deserved better and she should just leave him in the dust. And here I was, in the exact same situation, contemplating not taking my own advice.
#2 reminded me of all that. She told me to pack it in and get out.
#1 told me I should just suck it up and have a good time with him while he was around, told me to not get offended just because he didn't want to date me.
I guess here is where I should probably mention, Mom, that my "hook-up culture" definition is purely kissing, and cuddling, and no sex. Figured I should get that in before you had a heart attack.
Anyways, I was very affronted by the proposition because relationships, as I know them, are based in getting to know the other person, caring about them on an intellectual and emotional level, not just a physical interest. And, I know this sounds weird, but to me, any type of interaction between two people constitutes a relationship. And one of the things that I firmly believe in about relationships is that a good relationship must start from a friendship. Beneath everything of a relationship, a significant other must always be a friend first, or else there is no mutual respect, no base trust in the other person.
And this whole kerfuffle wasn't even close to a friendship, let alone a relationship! It was even on the edge between dating and a friends-with-benefit thing. I know, I know, a friends-with-benefit affair is supposed to be no strings attached and an easy break once one person or the other wants it over with ... But it's all at the cost of mutual respect and honoring the dignity in the other person that says that they are worthy of pure love.
It has taken me a good long time and lots of self-questioning to figure out why this whole proposition rankled me so much. Was it really just my pride getting in the way of a good time and some fun shenanigans? Did I really want to be the everything in this guy's life, so much so that I'd be pissed if he talked to other girls?
Personally, I'd like to say that, no, I am not that kind of girl. I am not the girl who finds fault with everything a guy does and gets jealous when he spends all day with the dudes. I am the girl who would much rather have a guy who is friends with other girls because it shows that you respect and treat ALL women right, and they appreciate you for it.
So what was it?
I didn't want to be used.
Call me crazy, but that's what it feels like the world is coming to today with the hook-up culture, especially the one exposed by the above article. It seems these days, people don't have the desire to exert effort into something that maybe, just maybe will end in the future, even before it gets started. So instead, we focus on what we can get in the now and forgo any chance of getting to know someone else better and creating a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, romantic or not.
In other words, we are getting better and better, and finding more and more ways to use each other.
It made me feel, morally, icky inside, and I haven't talked to him since, except for one short, very incredulous conversation over the phone.
It got me thinking like this: I can't expect a guy to want more than a casual hook-up, if that's all I'm seeming to be in the market for as well. I can't expect him to see me as an important human being who demands respect if I don't treat him accordingly either. And being in a friends-with-benefits type relationship is most definitely not the way to show mutual respect and genuine emotion. And to be honest, the fact that I was even considering entering into this kind of agreement ... I have to admit being disappointed in myself. Who am I to point fingers when I'm guilty of the same thing?
Then I thought: it kind of all comes down to the Disney Princess conundrum: why don't girls today get their happily ever afters and Prince Charmings? It's what we were taught to wait for when we grew up, by our favorite worldwide corporation. Well, at least in my opinion, to get a Prince Charming, we ladies have to act like Princesses.
Think of Princess Mia from "The Princess Diaries". Her greatest charm was that she respected everyone, all her subjects ... That she did her best to please everyone, but in the end stayed true to herself. That she wanted to marry for love, not because of law. Her happily ever after didn't include dancing off into the sunset after knowing someone for five minutes; it included being VERY worried about her future, being uncertain if the choices she was making were the right ones, and, in the end, choosing to love and respect her eventual beau for his honesty, humility, and grace. It was a match made in friendship, not heaven.
The way I see it is this: being a young adult is already a confusing enough time ... me, for example, I'm trying to figure what I'm doing with my life. I've got worries about my job, who I'm gonna be in five years, how I'm going to support myself in the future. I've got raging hormones on a fantastic (read: -_-) 28 day cycle, people I trust, people I don't trust, people I want to see but who are hundreds of miles away. I worry about my faith and my family, my friends and my future. With all this going on in my head, there's really no reason to be strung out over some guy who isn't going to treat me right. There's absolutely no reason why I should be adding on another layer of confusion by getting into a situation where I'll constantly be reading between the lines, wondering if "something more" is ever going to happen. Because, let's face it, I'm a romantic at heart; I'm always going to hope for the best, and I'd just drive myself crazy wondering if the best is ever going to come at all.
I know it's ironic that I mentioned earlier that the hook-up culture encourages minimal effort in the sense of getting to know the other person, and then I say this, but this situation just makes me feel that it's beyond unnecessary to try to invest in a relationship that comes with caveats and that has such an open "way out" that both parties can opt to take at any given moment without consideration for the other. That's not how relationships ... hell, even friendships work.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I'm going to commit to even being friends, if not more, I expect the basest human dignity and respect that is obviously not emotionally available to someone who is looking for a purely physical relationship.
So, folks, that's my big thesis for the night: hook-up culture, you give love a bad name. Be better than just a hook-up, ladies and gentlemen. You deserve better than that.
--Tiffany
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