The Part About Romance: Blog #2 - A Response!

Something incredible happened! I actually got a response (kinda ... not in comment form, but in discussion form, but still) to my last blog, of all the blogs! I dunno how things go on other blogs, but this is kind of a big deal. Woo!

Anyways, my lovely roommate E and I got into a pretty neat discussion about my last blog, the one about the hook-up culture that seems pretty prevelant in today's society, and she had a few good points in response to what I wrote, so I only thought it fair to address them in public so that anyone who had similar arguments against what I said knows where I'm coming from.

Firstly, she mentioned, "To me 'use' has such a negative connotation and you use people in actual relationships too... for emotional support, love, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. In every connection you create you are using someone in some way." And she's right! It's funny how being exposed to the same word in different ways can create a perception one way or another. For me, the word "use" is surrounded by the idea that you use objects to complete tasks, so you would't want to use a person, because the are not objects. But in this sense, yes, when in a relationship of any kind exists, both parties use (in a completely positive sense) the other to their mutual benefit. (I could get started on a whole blog about linguistics, but for some reason or another, I can just see my readership plummeting into the negative numbers...)

She also pointed out the fallacy of judging other people based on their willingness to engage in the sort of behavior that I don't partake in or condone. In the end, the blog wasn't about judging the other person, but thinking about the action and how a person's actions affect others and him or herself. 

Here is where I have to remind everyone that I was raised in a very Catholic environment ... like, being Catholic, to me, is like being Chinese. It's impossible to separate from my identity because I was raised in a Catholic household and went to 16 straight years of Catholic school; at one point or another, I'm sure the Catholic teaching on promiscuity got through to me. But, also, as this blog is called "The Sum of My Parts", I am more than the Part of me that is Catholic ... I have let my upbringing be an indicator of what is right and what is wrong, as I assume everyone else has done, and have done my best to have the opinions I have, not because of what someone else told me, but because of what I have experienced over the years, and my verdict on the idea of hooking up is that it is still wrong - primarily because of how it allows people to think of themselves and others.

Now, some people out there might say that it's only because I've been indoctrinated with the whole Madonna-Whore dichotomy that a lot of people seem to be saying is telling young girls that there is no middle ground ... you're either 100% holy virgin by saving yourself for marriage or 100% slut for deciding that it's okay to sleep around. And yes, my current world view started with my Catholic background and the idea that sex is not permissible outside of wedlock, but I do know many people who I respect and love dearly who have made the decision that intercourse outside marriage is okay, so I did have to make a decision on whether or not I could accept them as good, practicing Catholics AND as people who have made that decision. I have had to step into the moral gray ground, and that is where everything gets complicated.

It's something that I've had to wrestle with for a long time, and, in the end, it came down to finding a way to "love the sinner, hate the sin". It's a cliche, I know, and 100% a "way out" for me to continue loving the people I care about who have made that choice, but I have to stick to my guns and the idea that it's not okay to treat someone with anything less than the entirety of dignity that they deserve, especially when I can't agree with a choice that they've made.

I think the thing that gets me most about the hook-up culture is the idea that it encourages the idea that we, as human beings, as God's creatures, as ... almost infinitely impossible creations of Mother Earth, as whatever you want to think of us as, are only in existence to be objectified and viewed as something less than what we are worth. I mean, we may not be able to change the world the way someone like Ghandi or Nelson Mandela did, but our very existence and interactions with others create ripples that influence everyone we touch in ways that would not have happened otherwise - in essence, we are all, at our basest level, important (thank you, Doctor Who). Now, since I always write for myself, I totally understand why that point didn't come across correctly in my last post. 

The main idea of the last blog was that, since we are all important in the grand scheme of things, ALL people should know and truly believe that they are worth more than what a casual hook-up usually means, not that people who are taking part in the culture are somehow worth less than those who do not partake.

The reason I feel so strongly about that idea is that, well, I remember being 17 and, for the first time, having the knowledge that he thought I was worthless and would consequently treat me as such. It was the worst feeling in the world, and I would never in my wildest dreams hope that any enemy of mine knew that feeling. I don't mean to get overly dramatic, but it's an experience I've struggled against for the longest time, and it's an extremely detrimental feeling to have, mostly because I actually started to wonder if I was good enough for anything better than what has been laid out in front of me.

With that sort of niggling in the back of your mind, sometimes it's hard to ignore, and that's the start of the concept that all someone is good for is a hook-up. It's the idea that not only does the other person think that you are only as good as your hook-up, but also the fact that that is the reality you have chosen to accept as truth about yourself. The double-edged sword is that it's not just the other person's view of you, but your view of yourself. It just makes me feel sad that some people, boys and girls alike, feel that they are never going to get to a place of happiness and peace in a fully functional relationship and then act on that fear by taking part in something that only encourages them to view themselves in that way. 

In terms of reaching people who enjoy hook-ups, I know I have very little chance of changing someone's mind (and in all likelihood, I've pissed them off with this one too), especially not with something as simple as a single blog post. So here's the truth, this post and the last one aren't written for you. They also aren't for the people in the world who have chosen to steer clear of the hook-up culture. You guys are the extremes of the situation, and how I view the world won't change your decisions. These posts are for the people who, like me, are trying to navigate the murky and treacherous waters of relationships of any kind; they are for the individuals who have found themselves in a similar situation and can't decide which way to go. These pieces are just one person's ideas and opinions on the situation who has been through something similar. Hopefully, they are also a friendly reminder, if you're on the edge of saying yes, but you can't figure out why you still are thinking about saying no, that someone out there believes with all her heart that you have infinite amounts of human dignity and worth so you deserve someone who will acknowledge your God-given/Mother-Earth-given/stardust-from-the-beginning-of-the-universe-given worth and choose to know that you are not something to be used, but someone to be cared for.

And this is what I really want to say to people who enjoy hooking up: I don't judge you, I really don't, and I still want to be friends, I promise ... I just can't agree with some of the choices you make. But I want you to know that I respect you for all you are worth and regardless of the decisions you make, you are important ... if not to me, than to someone who calls you their friend. I'm not going to call you out on it, as long as you don't pressure me into doing what you do. Free will and all, I like what I'm doing and I like you for all you are. 

Besides, that's the beauty of dissenting opinion isn't it? If there wasn't such a thing, this follow-up blog wouldn't exist. It's like this: an N'SYNC fan and a Backstreet Boys fan can still be friends, they just won't ever have the same views on music ... but that's okay because there are far more important things in life.

Like whether or not Joseph Gordon-Levitt is full-steam-ahead headed for a major Lindsay Lohan-sized meltdown of epic proportions :)

Love you, Lis-ers, and thank you for always challenging me and making me think outside of the box.

--Tiffany