The Part about Thriving With Self-Doubt

I passed this little garden on my way to church today. I was struck by a couple things ... mostly the randomness of it -- people don't usually have a frivolous garden flowing out of their windows. As a child of the 'burbs, I'm used to backyard gardens, lawns, assorted potted indoor plants ... even my mom has a flourishing indoor orchid forest. Basically, everything is neatly contained. I don't know if containment was the initial plan for the plants in the windows, but if it was, I would probably consider that attempt a failure. Just saying.

Anyways, moving on from that tangent. I passed that little garden and thought to myself: of all the places, that garden is thriving in the middle of a desert, in the middle of a concrete jungle, in the middle of a heatwave (another one this year), in the middle of a drought. Go plants! Way to persevere. 

I guess I'm slightly in awe of something as simple as a plant being able to thrive in an uncompromisingly hostile environment. There's a part of me that hopes I can emulate that. Not that my current environment is something that can be considered hostile, but I think I can say it's possibly in the range of not-ideal. Yeesh, do I sound like an entitled millennial when I say that. Whoops. Everything I actively try to avoid.

But seriously, I think it's no secret I have no desire to be in this work situation a year from now. But, I definitely can't be counted as "unhappy". I'm at a workplace I love, working with people who I enjoy being around, getting exposure to the exact kind of work that I'm interested. Definitely not unhappy. Definitely interested and enjoying my life right now.

If that sounds a little like I'm also trying to convince myself, maybe it's because I am? Maybe a little bit?

Short story: this -- in the here and now -- isn't what I want. It's like a quarter of the way to what I want, but even still, it's very much in the realm of "not what I want". Everyone keeps telling me to keep playing the slow game, keep my nose to the ground, and keep working hard, because that's how I'm going to get what I want. The silly millennial in me whines that I want it right now, but I've always been pretty good at staving off the need for instant gratification (thank you parents).

Basically, I have no idea if I'm going to be able to persevere for this year. I'm so, so, so, so afraid that when the time comes, I can't be those thriving plants. It's strange, for a millennial, I have my fair share of entitlement issues (ish), but I think I'm also victim to an equal amount of semi-paralyzing fear that boils down to one thing:

If there's one thing I want more than getting what I want, it'd be to actually deserve to get what I want.

What I have right now already feels like a dream, and I'm not sure what I did to get this. So how do I thrive?

...
...
...

Yeah, I got no good answer to that question. I think ... check back with me in a couple months? Right now, I'm a little too close to this semi-debilitating fear to be able to think clearly around it.

I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to have to find a way to be the plant.

I will persevere.

--Tiffany