The Part at the Intersection of Feminism, Chivalry, and Respect

As someone who likes to go perusing feminist websites during her free time, I've come across some pretty entertaining websites speaking specifically to the possible social and mental implications of CAT-CALLS directed at women on the streets. The argument, first and foremost, is that, while the male may not be specifically intending too make the woman feel uncomfortable in public, him directing wolf-whistles and "hey you're sexy!!!"s at an unsuspecting passerby automatically puts her on edge and takes away her basic right to feel safe in public. And, unfortunately, oftentimes the things said are derogatory and, more specifically, objectify women (which opens a whole 'nother can of worms).

This hasn't happened to me, personally, many times, but every time it HAS happened, I can say for a fact that, yes, I was very much uncomfortable, sometimes scared, depending on the time of day, and ended up booking it to wherever I was going. Which is unfair, because I live supposedly live in a first world country where things like sexual assault and harassment are supposed to have serious consequences, and I SHOULD be free to go somewhere without first having to consult the rape schedule! Yes, I live in LA, which isn't the safest place in the world, but I do my best not to be in the sketchier places whenever I can avoid it. I'm expected to always be attentive wherever I go because if I'm assaulted, it's actually my fault (sarcasm button anyone?)

This morning, I dropped my car off at the dealership to get some work done on it, and because it's in Santa Monica, I decided to try to get a chunk of my Christmas shopping done. The dealership is about a mile from the Third Street Promenade, so I walked west down Santa Monica Boulevard (a busy, well-trafficked street, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Los Angeles) to the Promenade. About two blocks away from where I was headed, a guy turned onto Santa Monica, walking about five feet ahead of me on the left side of the sidewalk. I walked behind him for about a block, until he caught sight of a friend (I think) sitting on a planter on the right side of the sidewalk and slowed to speak with him. From the other direction, another girl was walking east, and both she and I passed between the two guys because they were on either side of the sidewalk.

As we passed between the two guys, the guy I had been following said, "Babe Alert! Babe Alert!" and turned to laugh with his friend. I had passed by them, and, what with the few weeks I've had and how much I've been thinking about how to treat a girl well, I wasn't going to let that slide. Now, I'm sure some of you who know me well are sort of hoping that I really went off on the guy, but, while I gave him a very firm verbal lashing, I didn't do anything truly rash. And keep in mind it was like 8:45 AM, aka a time of day when there were people out and about, and it was moderately SAFE to call a guy out on his impropriety. 

The "conversation" went something like this:

Me: You know, that is completely unnecessary and rude for you to do.

Him: Oh shut up, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking about the other girl.

Me: It doesn't matter who it was about, you can't go saying those kind of things that objectify women like that.

Him: Get out of here, you don't know what you're talking about.

Me: I just hope you know that it's despicable for there to be men like you out there. (yes, I legit called the guy despicable. In a real conversation. In real life. Hahahahaha)

Him: Shut up, just get out of here.

And on and on. Essentially, I'd say something about him being disrespectful, and he would tell me to shut up and go away. It wasn't an elongated conversation. I'm not exactly well-versed in confronting people about things that upset me, but it's something I want to get better at, especially in these situations. And I had way more important things that I needed to get done to bother with doing more than calling out an idiot who was just going to spew more idiocy at me.

But this situation shows me that it comes down to this ... when you heckle or harass a woman in public, that means one thing, and one thing only, to me: you have opened up yourself to being heckled or harassed in public yourself. Why? If you can't stand the heat, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN. If you're uncomfortable with someone telling you that you are wrong, despicable, inappropriate, rude, or a generally derogatory person, then you don't get to expect to be left alone when you make a woman - ANY woman - feel uncomfortable just for walking down the street. 

I am fully aware that as soon as I walked away, those guys probably started mocking me (I mean, who in their right mind under 50 uses "despicable" in conversation lol! It's a good one, but a bit old-fashioned. At least it didn't devolve into petty name calling ... there could have been a few choice and not-exactly-family-friendly monikers I could have thrown at him.), but you know what, I'd rather be mocked for saying the truth than be silent and therefore silently give consent to feel less than respected as a human being. 

Respect is, in my opinion, the most basic human right. Personally, it comes before love, and shelter, and food, and warmth, mostly because it is something that can be given regardless of one's status in society. Yes, I'm aware that some people's automatic response will be that is an idea, and therefore not going to be actually useful to people who have actual physical needs like the ones I've listed, but if you think about it, if everyone truly had respect for each and every human life, everyone would be doing much more to make sure that all those needs were met. Just sayin'.

Anyways, off my soap box and back to respect. Those people in the world who considers cat calls and wolf whistles to be an appropriate way to compliment girls are missing the intrinsic fact that sometimes, those same girls may not be comfortable with hearing those things said about them. "If they don't like it, why don't they SAY anything about it then?" Well, for the exact reason that I ended up having a ridiculous conversation with some dude too stoned out of his mind to be able to say anything constructive without insulting me or putting me down. 

If a girl stands up for herself on the street and says she doesn't want to be referred to as such, she is told to calm down because the words were a compliment. She is told to stop being such a bitch and that she should be grateful that someone thinks she is "some hot thang" to be ogled at. She is told to shut up and complicity agree to become an object, not a person.

She is no longer respected as a human being. 

Cue my discussion on chivalry.

Another sect of feminism I've found has started chaffing against the idea of chivalry ... The old-fashioned, antiquated idea that men should go out of their way to open doors, pull out seats, pay for dinner, etc. This attack on chivalry hasn't sat with me as well as I think the strongly feminist side of me wishes it would. I keep trying to tell myself "I AM WOMAN. I AM STRONG. I CAN PAY MY OWN WAY, AND I DON'T NEED A MAN TO BABY ME BECAUSE I AM WOMAN!!!!" But the old-fashioned way I was raised tells me that chivalry isn't dead. Or if it is, it's something I should be mourning wholly. 

So, I think I've found a way, after my experience today, to meld the two. No, chivalry isn't dead, but no, I don't need you to baby me either. Men, what I need from you is your RESPECT. From what I understand, chivalry was based on the idea that women in the medieval times were pure, breakable creatures, who needed everything taken are of and done for them (ahhh my fingers burned just typing that!) While, obviously, girls aren't like that today, it seems that, in an ideal medieval world, the consequences of incorrect thinking (girls are weak) stems from a very correct idea: girls are to be respected. 

If your idea of respecting me means that you don't hold the door open for me, I'm not going to have any problem with that. I can do that myself. But if your idea of respecting me is hollering across the street that "You're a hot bitch, look at that ass!", then we are going to have a problem. 

Why? Because I'm no longer being respected. And I'm not okay with being considered an object, and with someone else trying to take me down a level and force me to be something subhuman. Feminism is based on the somehow radical idea that women are people too. In modern times, in a progressive America, this is supposed to mean that our rights need to be the same as men's, which some feminists have translated to voting rights, equal pay, etc., which are all great things but also all stem from the concept of having basic respect for women. That's why I believe feminism and chivalry go hand in hand. Both of them encourage the idea that women are important and deserve respect, just like every other person in the world.

Words and ideas evolve over time (think of any slang word you've ever heard. I guarantee it didn't start out meaning what it does now). Maybe it's time that the idea of chivalry started evolving too. It's not no longer making a woman feel small or powerless; maybe it should now be about making sure a woman feels empowered and safe in her own space and in public. She, like any human being, deserves your utmost respect, especially in places where she is being observed because her response will influence the responses of people around her to similar situations they may find themselves in. 

They say words can never hurt you, but your words also have power, people. Regardless of who you are and who you're saying things to, words have the power to instill fear, self-doubt, and immeasurable pain. Make sure what you're saying is affirming and respectful.

--Tiffany

P.S. if you really want to give a girl a compliment on the street, honestly, just say to the girl, sincerely, "I think you're very pretty. Have a nice day." and walk off (that's the important part ... Don't linger or it'll go from a nice compliment to creepy.) She'll probably be weirded out, but I promise that type of encounter will stick with her in a much more positive manner than "Babe Alert! Babe Alert!" ever will. If she wants to stop you and say "Thank you", that's her perogative. Just because you gave her a compliment doesn't mean she owes you anything in return.

P.P.S. here are some fun links to some witty responses to inappropriate cat-calling, feminism, etc.:
- The Hollaback Movement, which I heard about from this hilarious video that got shared around Facebook a little while back
- this one's more about the idea of rape culture, but he makes some good points about where it all starts from.
- this one's works to define feminism in her own terms, and touches on the first part of what I dedicated this blog post to talking about

The Part About Cowboy Boots

"The twenty-something confusion before the suit and tie
Strangers become mistakes but those mistakes made you feel alive
Hindsight is vibrant, reality: rarely it
Memory's a collage pasted to the glue that barely sticks."
- "Cowboy Boots", Macklemore

Ramble time! Last night was ... interesting, but there's something monumentally important about capturing my thoughts right now. That's what this silly thing is for, right?

Elise talked me into buying a ticket to the Macklemore concert at Staples Center in December, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and buy his latest album.

Best $12 I've spent on iTunes in a LONG time.

It's a great album ... completely real and raw, with a healthy dosage of self-awareness and social consciousness. Love it. Macklemore sure knows his way around a rhyme. I can't honestly say I have a favorite song on the album because, even though it's all in the hip-hop genre, every song is completely different. In that sense, and in pretty much every other sense, the album is impressive. But one song that really hit me right at home is "Cowboy Boots". It's a really fascinating mixture of sound, mixing rap and a bit of folky/country stuff. Basically it's really cool. Go listen!

It's a song about home, and it's a song about growing up. It's a song about hindsight, and it's a song about moments. Moments ... the things you remember, the things you regret, the things you leave behind. And the things that get left behind with you.

Last night was kind of a rough one. Can you tell? I'm writing this at 10:30 on a Saturday morning after going out. But it's not because I'm hung over or because I've made choices that I regret. It's because of all the things that have stuck with me over the years. It's all those moments that I can't run away from, that are always just around the corner everyday even when I have nothing troubling on my mind. It's the memory of failing, falling so far that the top of the well just looks like a pinprick of light too far to try for.

But when those thoughts rear their ugly heads, I just remember it's also the memory of leaving, of walking away, climbing out, and fighting with every last piece of whatever I've got left.

It was a rough night, but I woke up laughing with my best friend. As much as I'd wished things had been different last night, I can honestly say I woke up with a clear conscience, knowing I did what was right and that I have nothing more to apologize for.

"I'd be a goddamn liar to say at times I didn't miss it
So deuces, I turn my back as I walk into the distance."
- "Cowboy Boots, Macklemore

--Tiffany

The Part About My Half Birthday

Man! After my steady stream of posts, I kinda lost steam I guess. Now it's been like two weeks! Shoot. Not gonna lie, it's been a crazy couple of weeks. In short, I've been pretty much been swept off my feet by three things, three great things: 1. New job! Actually kind of in animation, which is, like, REALLY exciting. 2. started classes at Gnomon! Woot! Pre-Viz, pre-viz, pre-viz, yeah, yeah, yeah!!! and 3. well, boys, boys, boys. going out and doing things apparently takes a lot of time out of the day. I do forget that. Anyways, don't have much going on, but I figured I should put up the pictures for the past two weeks, so here goes!

October 15, 2013. Our calendar. And E's reflection in it! She wrote "End of the world! (economy)" on the 17th, in reference to the debt ceiling, but obviously that didn't come to pass. But I was laughing so hard I had to take a picture of it.

October 16, 2013. Invited Caitl over for some tequila-honey, cayenne pepper-curry steak, and then we hung out for a bit. Ladies' night in :)

October 17, 2013. Went to LMU to do a bit of homework before alumni CLC. Was storyboarding and watching Doctor Who, when I looked up and saw the sunset light between the beams in Uhall. Such a pretty sight ^_^

October 18, 2013. LENS FLARE. Channeling my inner J.J. Abrams, what can I say? There's just something about the color juxtaposition!

October 19, 2013. Went to a Disney crew party with E. We were eating by the romantic candlelight. Lovely :P

October 20, 2013. Went hiking for my friend Keyon's birthday! Happy birthday, my friend! How does it feel to be a full-on adult and actually be able to rent a car without extra insurance in California!

October 21, 2013. Batting cages at the mini golf course near my apartment. GREAT stress reliever. And much cheaper than getting therapy for miscellaneous issues, bashing things is :)

October 22, 2013. Well, I actually forgot to take a picture on the 22nd, so I took this one on the morning of the 23rd before I headed out. Again, it's all about the colors, and I kinda crack up when I look at my bedroom in the gray morning light because, as colorful as I love having my room to be, my bed's all sorts of neutral colors in the morning light, except for my bright orange Buizel. Wish I'd thought to position him better, but oh well, it's still a mildly funny picture.

October 23, 2013. Waiting for Elise outside of Disney, getting fancy with the time functions on my camera.

October 24, 2013. Looking out.

October 25, 2013. the coffee table at Gnomon in the student lounge. Big fan of the glass cover on the table that, I guess, students have stuffed pennies under over the years. :)

October 26, 2013. Dress shopping with E, real early in the morning for the dress she is going to wear to the Frozen wrap party!

October 27, 2013. 'Ello E! Day 1 of my mini series. haha not really, but kinda. Somehow actually took pictures of E every day ... she's the most exciting part of my life, for sure.

October 28, 2013. E, day 2!

October 29, 2013. Happy half-birthday to me! So I took a picture of the better half of my roommate pair. lol.

But yeah, that's just about all that's been going on in my life, really. I said this last time, and maybe it'll actually be true this time (again, I think I said this last time), but with any luck, I'll put some more pictures up by the end of the week, and I'll actually keep this blog up to date just a bit. :)

--Tiffany

The Part About "Keeping Up Appearances"

... so that I can give everyone a break from the drama of my last couple posts.

and so I could be punny. Because there's things about photos, and appearances, and ... yeah, punny.

Uhhhh I'll pretend that went as well in real life as it went in my head.

ANYWAYS. Photos!

October 7, 2013. uhhhh ... this is what Downton does to its fandom on a regular basis. I don't know what it is about British TV, but everything makes you want to cry and cry and cry and never come out of a cave so YOU CAN KEEP ON CRYING FOREVER.

October 8, 2013. My lovely linen closet. See, it's exciting, 'cause I've never had one before and I'd just realized it so I took a picture of it and ... uhhhh yeah, I didn't know what else to take a picture of that day. #truth

October 9, 2013. FIRST RAIN OF THE SEASON! It came down pretty hard for about 10 minutes. #soundsaboutright

October 10, 2013. Artsy of the roomie. In da mirror!

October 11, 2013. First day of class at Gnomon! Got there way flippin' early and just hung out in the student lounge and wrote my follow-up blog. It was a good time! Love the vibe there.

October 12, 2013. Seafood festival in Santa Barbara! YUM!!! Sittin' on the dock, munchin' down on crab, and generally having a great time :)

October 13, 2013. Gryphon 45th Anniversary Brunch. All the current Gryphons!

October 14, 2013. Hrm. Never thought I'd be back to this again, but OH LOOK! more storyboards. (doin' homework for my pre-vis class ... always start with the storyboards. HELLOOOOO JAY! 30 shots in one week ... HAH that's funny that that used to be hard.

So yeah, I'm doin' my best to keep this thing up and actually put pictures up at reasonable intervals so as not to overwhelm myself.

Here's to hoping that I get another one of these in before the end of the week :)

--Tiffany

The Part About Romance: Blog #2 - A Response!

Something incredible happened! I actually got a response (kinda ... not in comment form, but in discussion form, but still) to my last blog, of all the blogs! I dunno how things go on other blogs, but this is kind of a big deal. Woo!

Anyways, my lovely roommate E and I got into a pretty neat discussion about my last blog, the one about the hook-up culture that seems pretty prevelant in today's society, and she had a few good points in response to what I wrote, so I only thought it fair to address them in public so that anyone who had similar arguments against what I said knows where I'm coming from.

Firstly, she mentioned, "To me 'use' has such a negative connotation and you use people in actual relationships too... for emotional support, love, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. In every connection you create you are using someone in some way." And she's right! It's funny how being exposed to the same word in different ways can create a perception one way or another. For me, the word "use" is surrounded by the idea that you use objects to complete tasks, so you would't want to use a person, because the are not objects. But in this sense, yes, when in a relationship of any kind exists, both parties use (in a completely positive sense) the other to their mutual benefit. (I could get started on a whole blog about linguistics, but for some reason or another, I can just see my readership plummeting into the negative numbers...)

She also pointed out the fallacy of judging other people based on their willingness to engage in the sort of behavior that I don't partake in or condone. In the end, the blog wasn't about judging the other person, but thinking about the action and how a person's actions affect others and him or herself. 

Here is where I have to remind everyone that I was raised in a very Catholic environment ... like, being Catholic, to me, is like being Chinese. It's impossible to separate from my identity because I was raised in a Catholic household and went to 16 straight years of Catholic school; at one point or another, I'm sure the Catholic teaching on promiscuity got through to me. But, also, as this blog is called "The Sum of My Parts", I am more than the Part of me that is Catholic ... I have let my upbringing be an indicator of what is right and what is wrong, as I assume everyone else has done, and have done my best to have the opinions I have, not because of what someone else told me, but because of what I have experienced over the years, and my verdict on the idea of hooking up is that it is still wrong - primarily because of how it allows people to think of themselves and others.

Now, some people out there might say that it's only because I've been indoctrinated with the whole Madonna-Whore dichotomy that a lot of people seem to be saying is telling young girls that there is no middle ground ... you're either 100% holy virgin by saving yourself for marriage or 100% slut for deciding that it's okay to sleep around. And yes, my current world view started with my Catholic background and the idea that sex is not permissible outside of wedlock, but I do know many people who I respect and love dearly who have made the decision that intercourse outside marriage is okay, so I did have to make a decision on whether or not I could accept them as good, practicing Catholics AND as people who have made that decision. I have had to step into the moral gray ground, and that is where everything gets complicated.

It's something that I've had to wrestle with for a long time, and, in the end, it came down to finding a way to "love the sinner, hate the sin". It's a cliche, I know, and 100% a "way out" for me to continue loving the people I care about who have made that choice, but I have to stick to my guns and the idea that it's not okay to treat someone with anything less than the entirety of dignity that they deserve, especially when I can't agree with a choice that they've made.

I think the thing that gets me most about the hook-up culture is the idea that it encourages the idea that we, as human beings, as God's creatures, as ... almost infinitely impossible creations of Mother Earth, as whatever you want to think of us as, are only in existence to be objectified and viewed as something less than what we are worth. I mean, we may not be able to change the world the way someone like Ghandi or Nelson Mandela did, but our very existence and interactions with others create ripples that influence everyone we touch in ways that would not have happened otherwise - in essence, we are all, at our basest level, important (thank you, Doctor Who). Now, since I always write for myself, I totally understand why that point didn't come across correctly in my last post. 

The main idea of the last blog was that, since we are all important in the grand scheme of things, ALL people should know and truly believe that they are worth more than what a casual hook-up usually means, not that people who are taking part in the culture are somehow worth less than those who do not partake.

The reason I feel so strongly about that idea is that, well, I remember being 17 and, for the first time, having the knowledge that he thought I was worthless and would consequently treat me as such. It was the worst feeling in the world, and I would never in my wildest dreams hope that any enemy of mine knew that feeling. I don't mean to get overly dramatic, but it's an experience I've struggled against for the longest time, and it's an extremely detrimental feeling to have, mostly because I actually started to wonder if I was good enough for anything better than what has been laid out in front of me.

With that sort of niggling in the back of your mind, sometimes it's hard to ignore, and that's the start of the concept that all someone is good for is a hook-up. It's the idea that not only does the other person think that you are only as good as your hook-up, but also the fact that that is the reality you have chosen to accept as truth about yourself. The double-edged sword is that it's not just the other person's view of you, but your view of yourself. It just makes me feel sad that some people, boys and girls alike, feel that they are never going to get to a place of happiness and peace in a fully functional relationship and then act on that fear by taking part in something that only encourages them to view themselves in that way. 

In terms of reaching people who enjoy hook-ups, I know I have very little chance of changing someone's mind (and in all likelihood, I've pissed them off with this one too), especially not with something as simple as a single blog post. So here's the truth, this post and the last one aren't written for you. They also aren't for the people in the world who have chosen to steer clear of the hook-up culture. You guys are the extremes of the situation, and how I view the world won't change your decisions. These posts are for the people who, like me, are trying to navigate the murky and treacherous waters of relationships of any kind; they are for the individuals who have found themselves in a similar situation and can't decide which way to go. These pieces are just one person's ideas and opinions on the situation who has been through something similar. Hopefully, they are also a friendly reminder, if you're on the edge of saying yes, but you can't figure out why you still are thinking about saying no, that someone out there believes with all her heart that you have infinite amounts of human dignity and worth so you deserve someone who will acknowledge your God-given/Mother-Earth-given/stardust-from-the-beginning-of-the-universe-given worth and choose to know that you are not something to be used, but someone to be cared for.

And this is what I really want to say to people who enjoy hooking up: I don't judge you, I really don't, and I still want to be friends, I promise ... I just can't agree with some of the choices you make. But I want you to know that I respect you for all you are worth and regardless of the decisions you make, you are important ... if not to me, than to someone who calls you their friend. I'm not going to call you out on it, as long as you don't pressure me into doing what you do. Free will and all, I like what I'm doing and I like you for all you are. 

Besides, that's the beauty of dissenting opinion isn't it? If there wasn't such a thing, this follow-up blog wouldn't exist. It's like this: an N'SYNC fan and a Backstreet Boys fan can still be friends, they just won't ever have the same views on music ... but that's okay because there are far more important things in life.

Like whether or not Joseph Gordon-Levitt is full-steam-ahead headed for a major Lindsay Lohan-sized meltdown of epic proportions :)

Love you, Lis-ers, and thank you for always challenging me and making me think outside of the box.

--Tiffany

The Part About Romance: Blog #1 - You Give Love a Bad Name

The dreaded "R" word ... Romance. It's a pretty big part of our day to day life, at least in an ideal world, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have romantic inclinations every now and then, but there are so many pitfalls on the road to relationships that I thought I'd chime in on things that have been going on in my life (surprise!) romantically here. So ... here goes:

I recently found myself in an interesting, and really not all that common of a situation (for myself, at least) ... I found myself teetering on the edge of a friends-with-benefits situation. It's been kind of on my mind as of late since this article came out about the hook-up culture at Penn State, but when I first read it, I didn't really have any experiences that would lend themselves to writing on the topic without coming off as having a "holier-than-thou" mentality because I'd never really been in a hook-up situation. 

Anyways, the article supposes that it's not an uncommon trend at colleges today, the idea of being too busy or career-focused for a relationship. And I buy it, what with everyone these days trying to get ahead, there's little time for things like relationships or meeting people when jobs and bosses constantly expect young people to be available, ready, and willing at any moment. The idea of settling down to try to start a family is usually the last thing on any young person's mind. Yet, when I was propositioned by this young man to start this ... "relationship", for lack of a better word, I was appalled at both him and myself. 

The situation was as follows: we'd run into each other after not seeing each other for a few years, and I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, and we decided to meet up again. Meeting turned into kissing (sorry Mom, should've mentioned this part isn't going to paint me in a pretty light, but if I can't be honest here, I probably shouldn't be writing about my life in general in a public forum), and it was all very exciting. A little ways down the road, he ... I don't know, let's call it getting cold feet -- and tells me that he doesn't want anything serious right now, that he wants to focus on his future. But hanging out and acting on our physical attraction to each other is most definitely not out of the question. And there was the implication of non- exclusivity.

So, doing what all good girls do when faced with a confuddling romantic situation, I consulted two of my best female friends who didn't know him. One hasn't been in a relationship in a fair amount of time and is most definitely on the prowl for someone (we'll call her #1), and the other was, ironically enough, stuck in a situation very much like mine (we'll call her #2). I'd told #2 multiple times how much I disapproved of the way he dangled himself in front of her, would act jealously if she saw other guys, but decidedly refused to commit while expecting her to just stay and wait for him to figure out his crap. I'd told her many-a-time that she deserved better and she should just leave him in the dust. And here I was, in the exact same situation, contemplating not taking my own advice. 

#2 reminded me of all that. She told me to pack it in and get out.

#1 told me I should just suck it up and have a good time with him while he was around, told me to not get offended just because he didn't want to date me. 

I guess here is where I should probably mention, Mom, that my "hook-up culture" definition is purely kissing, and cuddling, and no sex. Figured I should get that in before you had a heart attack. 

Anyways, I was very affronted by the proposition because relationships, as I know them, are based in getting to know the other person, caring about them on an intellectual and emotional level, not just a physical interest. And, I know this sounds weird, but to me, any type of interaction between two people constitutes a relationship. And one of the things that I firmly believe in about relationships is that a good relationship must start from a friendship. Beneath everything of a relationship, a significant other must always be a friend first, or else there is no mutual respect, no base trust in the other person. 

And this whole kerfuffle wasn't even close to a friendship, let alone a relationship! It was even on the edge between dating and a friends-with-benefit thing. I know, I know, a friends-with-benefit affair is supposed to be no strings attached and an easy break once one person or the other wants it over with ... But it's all at the cost of mutual respect and honoring the dignity in the other person that says that they are worthy of pure love. 

It has taken me a good long time and lots of self-questioning to figure out why this whole proposition rankled me so much. Was it really just my pride getting in the way of a good time and some fun shenanigans? Did I really want to be the everything in this guy's life, so much so that I'd be pissed if he talked to other girls?

Personally, I'd like to say that, no, I am not that kind of girl. I am not the girl who finds fault with everything a guy does and gets jealous when he spends all day with the dudes. I am the girl who would much rather have a guy who is friends with other girls because it shows that you respect and treat ALL women right, and they appreciate you for it.

So what was it?

I didn't want to be used. 

Call me crazy, but that's what it feels like the world is coming to today with the hook-up culture, especially the one exposed by the above article. It seems these days, people don't have the desire to exert effort into something that maybe, just maybe will end in the future, even before it gets started. So instead, we focus on what we can get in the now and forgo any chance of getting to know someone else better and creating a strong foundation for a lasting relationship, romantic or not.

In other words, we are getting better and better, and finding more and more ways to use each other.
It made me feel, morally, icky inside, and I haven't talked to him since, except for one short, very incredulous conversation over the phone.

It got me thinking like this: I can't expect a guy to want more than a casual hook-up, if that's all I'm seeming to be in the market for as well. I can't expect him to see me as an important human being who demands respect if I don't treat him accordingly either. And being in a friends-with-benefits type relationship is most definitely not the way to show mutual respect and genuine emotion. And to be honest, the fact that I was even considering entering into this kind of agreement ... I have to admit being disappointed in myself. Who am I to point fingers when I'm guilty of the same thing?

Then I thought: it kind of all comes down to the Disney Princess conundrum: why don't girls today get their happily ever afters and Prince Charmings? It's what we were taught to wait for when we grew up, by our favorite worldwide corporation. Well, at least in my opinion, to get a Prince Charming, we ladies have to act like Princesses.

Think of Princess Mia from "The Princess Diaries". Her greatest charm was that she respected everyone, all her subjects ... That she did her best to please everyone, but in the end stayed true to herself. That she wanted to marry for love, not because of law. Her happily ever after didn't include dancing off into the sunset after knowing someone for five minutes; it included being VERY worried about her future, being uncertain if the choices she was making were the right ones, and, in the end, choosing to love and respect her eventual beau for his honesty, humility, and grace. It was a match made in friendship, not heaven.

The way I see it is this: being a young adult is already a confusing enough time ... me, for example, I'm trying to figure what I'm doing with my life. I've got worries about my job, who I'm gonna be in five years, how I'm going to support myself in the future. I've got raging hormones on a fantastic (read: -_-) 28 day cycle, people I trust, people I don't trust, people I want to see but who are hundreds of miles away. I worry about my faith and my family, my friends and my future. With all this going on in my head, there's really no reason to be strung out over some guy who isn't going to treat me right. There's absolutely no reason why I should be adding on another layer of confusion by getting into a situation where I'll constantly be reading between the lines, wondering if "something more" is ever going to happen. Because, let's face it, I'm a romantic at heart; I'm always going to hope for the best, and I'd just drive myself crazy wondering if the best is ever going to come at all.

I know it's ironic that I mentioned earlier that the hook-up culture encourages minimal effort in the sense of getting to know the other person, and then I say this, but this situation just makes me feel that it's beyond unnecessary to try to invest in a relationship that comes with caveats and that has such an open "way out" that both parties can opt to take at any given moment without consideration for the other. That's not how relationships ... hell, even friendships work.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if I'm going to commit to even being friends, if not more, I expect the basest human dignity and respect that is obviously not emotionally available to someone who is looking for a purely physical relationship.

So, folks, that's my big thesis for the night: hook-up culture, you give love a bad name. Be better than just a hook-up, ladies and gentlemen. You deserve better than that.

--Tiffany

The Part About Photos, Photos, Photos

Yikes, haven't done a photo dump in forever, and now I'm facing the consequences. This is gonna be a hefty one, folks, but here I go!

September 24, 2013. Santa Monica back alley. Stopped for a photo op while I did some errands for my boss.

September 25, 2013. Forgot to take my camera out with me as Caitl and I went line dancing. Oh what an epic night indeed!

September 26, 2013. Doing things? It was late? I don't even remember what we were doing now...

September 27, 2013. Lights, reflected.

September 28, 2013. Watching E and Disney people do the Gladiator run at the Rose Bowl! Oh, the prequel to a very interesting afternoon ... and night, for that matter :)

September 29, 2013. Shoe shopping! We made a day of wandering around Sherman Oaks ... got brunch, did a little shopping (E needed a dress and shoes for a wedding she just went to), and generally had a pretty good roommate day.

September 30, 2013. I know I have a lot of these up, but I'm just so happy we got these lights into our apartment! It was such an ordeal! But now our kitchen is verrrry pretty :)

October 1, 2013. Went to the Howard Hughes Rave to see Don Jon with my roommate from Middle Earth (haha yes, you read that right). We are HUGE JGL fans, and the movie most definitely did not disappoint.

October 2, 2013. Target run with E! I caused problems because my tumbler didn't have a tag and so we had to wait while they went and found the right code for it.

October 3, 2013. Well .... this was actually taken at about 1:15AM on the 4th, but it's because I was out late. On a date. And didn't want to freak anyone out by whipping out the camera. I'm weird like that. :)

October 4, 2013. It's surprisingly hard for my Kairos sister to stay still ... I took a number of pictures of her and they're ALL blurry haha. Kairos VI reunion! These are my siblings. We got lunch. And then we went to Target and somehow spent like 45 minutes there. We obviously have really important things going on on Friday nights.

October 5, 2013. Fustercluck in Temecula with Caitl! ... Never have I ever seen such prime examples of hillybilly-ness in my life. What a day! Got roasted, still feel like a lobster, and had more fun that I thought possible in the middle of nowhere. :D

October 6, 2013. Hah! Religious humor. Gotta love it.

Anyways, alls well that ends well, and this is the end of this photo update .... ending well.

Hopefully I'll actually stick to my word and update more consistently through the end of the year!

--Tiffany

The Part About Reality and Porn

Edit: written 12:15AM-2:00AM, edited 10:00-11:00AM, posted 3:00PM.

I just got out of the movies with my friend from the house I lived in last summer, and even though it's currently 12:15 AM, and I should probably be asleep, I'm not ... because I'm here writing about how fantastically fantastic the movie was. We saw the new Joseph Gordon-Levitt (JGL, for future reference) movie "Don Jon". Now, my ex-roommate and I, we love us some JGL. We've seen all his recent movies together (except for Lincoln), we constantly are sending random articles or videos about him to each other, and we can carry a good thirty minute conversation (or longer) about how cool of a guy he seems and how we'd legitimately want to hang out with the dude (no seriously, ask our male ex-housemates. They were not having it last summer. Hahah!). So, basically, this movie was right up our alley.

And then he surprised us all by creating a movie that was not only well-packaged and creative, but was also a thoughtful and most definitely self-aware commentary on society, which is always the best movie to watch.

I've been keeping an eye on the social media circuit for this film for probably about a year now. JGL likes to promote stuff through his twitter and through hitRECord, as well as the traditional trailer released in theaters and on TV, so I've known what's been out and about for this movie for quite sometime. I've also broken my sort-of rule of choosing not to know anything about films before viewing them in an effort to somewhat keep the element of surprise available to me because I'm pretty good at guessing where the plot of a movie is going to go based on initial trailers. 

Instead, I read many an article about the film, watched interviews where JGL spoke about what the film is supposed to be a commentary on, and looked up as many reviews as possible before seeing the movie. Pretty much everything I normally don't do, but everything I found just encouraged me to see the film. Basically, if you don't know the general premise, "Don Jon" is about a porn-addicted New Jerseyian who meets the girl of his dreams, who happens to love, love, love romantic movies ... and then has to navigate the waters of a real relationship when all he is used to are one night stands and the overly-sexualized girls that he is used to "taking advantage of" via internet porn. Whether he is successful or not ... you'll just have to watch the movie (or, I guess, read past the part where I say SPOILERS! because part of this little blurb might give away the ending. Sorta.)

Now, as a self-proclaimed feminist, I'm most definitely usually the one rooting for the bull-headed new beauty to be able to transform JGL's Jon, convince him to ditch the porn, be with his new girl forever and ever, and have a great character arc where he becomes the perfect boyfriend and dotes on his new love's every need. Well, I mean she's a strong, independent woman ... so he's totally going to see it her way. Girl power, baby! Um ... Sorry to burst any bubbles, but that is definitely not where this film goes (is anyone surprised?).

No, instead, the film is an unabashed commentary on the unrealistic things that the movie industry (porn or otherwise) likes to feed to its consumers. I'm not going to get into the psychology of it; there are people who do it way better than me here. (but really, check out the article, it's really interesting).

It's a film that creates room for disagreement, debate, and discussion because it shows both sides of the argument. Girls get pissed that their boyfriends watch porn; boys get pissed their girlfriends expect them to act like Prince Charming characters in the movies. Because the film is unafraid of the subject (and, oh what a touchy subject it is), it comes out as entertaining, funny, and most definitely intelligent, which I'm going to guess probably isn't the norm for films with or about porn.

HALF-SPOILERS! from here on out, though I will be vague, and I won't be giving away the very end of the movie. Will say SPOILERS! again if anything gets really spoiler-y.

JGL's character, when we first meet him, is a stereotypical club macho-man (you ladies know what I'm talking about). He is a guy so far set in his ways that it looks impossible for him to find a way to change for a girl. He likes his one night stands, pornos, and, honestly ... not much else. When he meets Barbara (played by the lovely Scarlett Johannson), we watch as he makes superficial changes to his life for her. He does what she asks him to, which includes the stereotypical "meet the friends", the not-so-stereotypical "meet the family", starts going to classes, etc. In the little things, it seems like she is asking him to make changes for the better, which he does gladly, but only because of one glaring caveat: during their initial encounter, she refused to go home with him, and while they're dating, she refuses to have sex with him before he does the aforementioned things. 

Now, hold the phone! She's just trying to help him be better in life ... surely, there can't be anything wrong with that. Well that's the thing, there isn't anything wrong with wanting to encourage your significant other, but throughout the beginning part of the movie, she is literally dangling her sexuality over his head to make him change into what she wants. From that sentence alone, it is obvious she has committed two GIANT relationship faux pas. 

Firstly, her demands force Jon to change ... In essence, she is saying he is not good enough. He has to be better.  On the other hand, she won't budge an inch to be what he wants her to be (even if, disgustingly enough, it is essentially a sex toy with real breasts and a pulse), and expects him to do all the work to make the relationship last (not just in the sexual sense). In terms of his lifestyle, while he definitely isn't making millions, he seems generally content, if not happy with his current living situation. He's got a job, his own place, and expendable cash ... If that's how he chooses to live his life, then she has no right to be demanding that he "do something more". Her expectations, clearly brought on by a steady diet of romantic movies, have created a scenario where no normal guy will ever be good enough, romantic enough, or perfect enough for her.

Secondly, by holding her sexuality hostage to instigate change, she thinks she is doing the right thing because she is the impetus for Jon's self-betterment, but in actuality, she has just encouraged his dysfunctional view of women as sex objects. She eventually does the deed with Jon, after he fulfills all of her requirements, thus reinforcing his worldview that her vagina is a prize to be won ... In essence, she has debased herself, pretty much to the level of the girls that Jon watches on the internet. Her sexuality has become an object of Jon's self-gratification for doing something right ... he still doesn't see her as a person, but as a thing to be owned (in fact, Jon actually refers to Barbara as "the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" many, many times in the movie. It rankled me quite a bit, and I'm sure it's there for good reason: to point out his objectifying ways).

But it's a two-way street. A girl who only acts like a sex object will continue to be viewed as such by boys who don't know any better. The film firmly grasps the idea that, yes, porn is a problem, but so is the fact that girls are letting themselves be used in a similar fashion as sex objects anyways! Yes, boys should be taught not the view girls like that, but it's up to the culture to also teach girls that is even less okay to act in a pornographic fashion, view themselves that way, and let boys do think of them solely in that way.

Food for thought yeah?

It also struck me as interesting, though I guess it shouldn't be surprising (since this movie is most definitely from a guy's point of view), that Jon has the extensive character arc. When you compare Jon to JGL's last romantic-type movie, "(500) Days of Summer", JGL's Tom has very little character development. He kind of has, like, an inverted bell curve of romantic development. He pretty much ends where he starts off after a lot of breaky heart achy stuff, while Zooey Deschanel's Summer does the majority of changing throughout the film, and because of our point-of-view being Tom's, we don't see her development other than just being one pivotal moment where her world view of romance dramatically changes. 

But in "Don Jon", it's truly a slow creeping change, like what would happen realistically. As an audience member, at the end, I just thought to myself: "Wow, yeah, he's changed so much, but I can't really say exactly when or how it started." I mean, if you watch the movie, you might say otherwise, you might that there is one specific moment (I can think of it), but instead of pushing the idea that it was that specific moment that initiated Jon's change, we, as audience members, have been slowly introduced to other facets of Jon's life that are causing him unease. While there sort of is a "I'm going to change" scene, there is also ample foundation to make the change that he goes through believable. Therefore, the "moment" isn't definitive, like there usually is in romantic movies (i.e. Justin Long in "He's Just Not That Into You" having the aha! moment about, ironically, actually figuring out that he is "into" Ginnifer Goodwin). Instead, it was a build-up of things, the way it is in real life, that contributed to Jon's change of character by the end of the film. 

I also really enjoyed the fact that "Don Jon" addresses the double-edged sword of continuously viewing porn: while Jon doesn't outright admit that his viewing of pornographic videos has created a mindset that it is okay to objectify women, his actions speak as loudly as his words ever would. He and his friends only talk about women on the classic 1-10 scale and usually never even bother to learn their names. And, as I've pointed out before, women are classified as beautiful "things" to them, not people. Secondly, Jon eventually admits that even being with a real life "dime" (a Ten) doesn't give him the satisfaction that watching porn does. While he does actually say this out loud at one point in the movie, it is also evident in the fact that after the first time he and Barbara (his Ten) have intercourse, he still is unsatisfied and has to watch porn before he feel satisfied.

These two things are the main issues that anti-pornography people bring up whenever the get on their high horses to fight porn. And the movie doesn't shy away from the fact that it has been documented that these are byproducts of watching porn repeatedly; instead, it offers up the possibility that self-awareness can lead to breaking the addiction and finally being part of a healthy two-way relationship.

(OH! REAL SPOILERS AHEAD!)

But I think the best part of the film was Barbara's story. As I mentioned before, she doesn't have a character arc ... like, at all. During their relationship, she starts making comments about this and that, wanting Jon to change so that he will be the perfect man she envisions. Surprise! He doesn't take it well, and is quickly disillusioned with their relationship. When they break up, Jon isn't happy, but (sort of) moves on. But by the end of the film, when Jon has been introduced to a new worldview that doesn't involve pornographic sexuality, he calls to see her for coffee, they meet, she kind of yells at him, and she most definitely walks away thinking that she has "won" the break up.

She is still demanding, she still expects him to change far too much for her without doing the same for him, and she still thinks he isn't good enough for her.

Now, I'm painting this girl to be a bitch, but that's just it: she's not. The best part about the film is that, even as a guy's point-of-view movie, JGL created a female character that is relatable, understandable, and actually not crazy, unlike most film ex-girlfriends. People usually walk away from movies hating the "ex" characters because they have shown themselves to be unworthy of romantic relationships and usually are portrayed as generally bad people. But her concerns about the relationship were legitimate and it was obvious that she was invested in the relationship ... just not in the way that Jon was. She doesn't end up being a better person, but even that is still realistic in its portrayal. She just hasn't encountered something as pivotal as Jon's meeting Esther to shift her worldview in a significant way that will make her think about the movies she watches and why real life love doesn't equate to its onscreen portrayal. But sometimes that's just how it happens ... both sides had extremely varied views on what the relationship should have been, but just because they broke up doesn't mean that either of them is wrong. It just meant that they weren't right together. Ah, yes, sweet reality.

(ALL RIGHT, ALL THE SPOILERS ARE DONE.)

I think this movie has created an authentic view of relationships and relationship-type things today. It's a film that reminds us that sometimes we need to take a step back and think about whether what we are doing is truthful to the ones we care most about; it's a reminder to be open, and, surprisingly enough, it is a movie about true love in the end. It's nowhere near traditional true love ... some people might not even consider it true love at all, but it is a film about love in the truest sense of the word and in an applicable real world setting. In the end, it reinforces the idea that true love is transformative love, not in the shallow sense where you're just doing things to make your significant other happy, but in the mature sense of being present, trusting, supportive, and most of all vulnerable.

So, all in all, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has created a truly hilarious and poignant film about navigating the roads of love and relationships, platonic, romantic, and even familial! He has created characters that are true to life and situations that are definitely authentic. There is no grand declaration of love at the end, the characters do not necessarily get the happy ending that they thought they wanted, but they all end up where they should be, and the film is fulfilling nonetheless in its honesty, vulnerability, and in the message it chooses to portray.

--Tiffany

P.S. Just a warning to anyone who wants to watch this movie after this fantastic review of it, it is an R-rated film ... there are semi-explicit images throughout and carefully shot supposed-to-be-porn-on-the-internet clips. You have been warned.

The Part In Defense of Frozen

In celebration of Disney's new trailer being released for FROZEN, here's a little bloggie because I am super pumped for this movie to come out ...

Of all the issues that have been raised about Disney's new feature film coming out this Thanksgiving, Frozen, this is the one that baffled me the most: apparently, a major complaint that many "fans" (honestly, I call them "naysayers", but I think I'm supposed to be nice about this) is "oh my God, not another Disney movie about some blue-eyed, blonde-haired heroine! Where's the diversity, Disney!?"

And, let's be real, I'm an Asian-American young woman growing up in a predominantly white country -- I should have a problem with this. For Christ's sake, I just wrote a blog about why representations of Asians in the media needs to be better! But, in all honesty, I don't. Whoops. First of all, the basis of the setting for the story is like freakin' Norway, and I get the feeling that it's also supposed to be like Hans Christian Anderson-era Norway -- read: mid 1800s. Yeah, not many people of diverse backgrounds there at the time anyways. And while Disney isn't exactly known for paying too much attention to historical accuracy, I don't know how I would feel if there ended up being a "token diverse character" just for the sake of there being one. That just feels like they'd be trying too hard.

But anyways, that's just the icing on the cake. Here's the cake: Disney needs to put out a blue-eyed, blond-haired heroine because they really haven't had a Caucasian heroine princess yet! Seriously, think about. Snow White? Had to be saved by a prince after she fell victim to her step-mother's cursed apple. She really didn't do much other than befriend seven dwarves (unless we're talking Once Upon a Time Snow White, who is end-of-story-awesome). Cinderella? Had to be rescued from her terrible family by a prince after he fell in love with her after dancing with her for like five minutes. Yup, a real badass lady right there. Sleeping Beauty? Didn't even do any dragon-fighting! Nope, she went dancing through the woods, ran into a random guy, sang a duet with him, went home and promptly passed out for a century because she couldn't resist her curiosity for the pointy-wheel thing that had magically appeared in her room. Then had to be saved by a prince who did all the interesting fun hero/heroine things. Belle? Uhm... let's not get started on Stockholm Syndrome, yeah? Gaston and the Beast are the ones who do all the stereotypical hero things, even if Belle is the one to get the Beast to love in the end.

Ariel? She did do a bit of heroine stuffs, fighting Ursula and all, I'll give her that, but anatomically speaking ... she's not exactly human (well until the very end ... and if anyone complains about "spoilers", Imma punch you, because you shoulda seen that movie a long time ago) and technically it's Prince Eric who steers the ship into Ursula's side. But I suppose she's still a "white" character, so we'll give Disney the point for that one (I personally give them half a point, but, again, I think I'm supposed to be nice about this). Tangled's Rapunzel, however? Not exactly the heroine in the traditional sense. She does adventurous stuff, way more so than her previous princess counterparts, but the story's really Finn's *cough*Eugene's*cough* ... I mean, the whole movie starts off with Zachary Levi: "This is the story of how I died ..." Not exactly, technically, a girl-driven story. And Finn does most of the saving and fighting, though Rapunzel did get a few good whacks in with her frying pan (by the way, E and I did discover that frying pans are surprisingly useful in extremely unexpected ways this past weekend while trying to get our couch set up. I kid you not).

So ... we're at like one of six in terms of white heroine Disney princesses.

Meanwhile, Disney's "ethnic" princesses are a whole different story. Admittedly, we don't start off very well with Princess Jasmine ... Like with Tangled, it's mostly Aladdin's story (also seeing how the movie's named ... Aladdin). Jasmine doesn't really do much hero-y stuff. But then there's Pocahontas, who is the epitome of outdoor adventure, and while she doesn't fight, she does lay down her safety to prevent war from breaking out (ayyyyy my internal historical accuracy monitor is squealing in outrage right now, but whatever, it's the portrayal that counts this time around). And I, as a proud Asian-American lady, can't forget about Mulan! If Pocahontas is the epitome of outdoor adventure, Mulan is the epitome of Hun-fighting badass! Yeah, she gets a point. And finally, the lovely Tiana from The Princess and the Frog. Her work ethic alone makes her a heroine to me, but if we're going for something physical to make her count, she does single-handedly(ish) take down Dr. Facilier at the end by destroying the voodoo talisman.

That makes the count three out of four.

So yeah. Are we counting minor princesses too? Like, say, Megara from Hercules? She had to get saved by Herc in the end. Not really a point for the white girls. Jane from Tarzan? Kind of the same boat as Meg. Giselle from Enchanted gives the girls a boost, though, considering that, despite her naivete, she is the one who slays the dragon in the end. As for Esmerelda from Hunchback and Kida from Atlantis, Esmerelda isn't a really heroic, fight-the-power character as much as she is the love interest, but Kida is literally the savior of her people. So ... white girls: 1/3; other ethnicity girls: 1/2.

The total count becomes this: 

White girls: 2/9, or about 22%

Ethnically diverse girls: 4/6, or about 66%

Wow. Yeah ... I think the numbers speak for themselves. While I'm all for the promotion of varied ethnicities in films, I hate to say that Disney does not have a great track record making their white princesses into white heroines. As much as it sucks to not have good ethnic representation in the media, in the spirit of media equality, I don't even want to think about how it must feel for a white girl's media representation to solely be that of the damsel in distress waiting to be saved. That sucks even more for all us feminists out there.

So, to all you naysayers, I say this: If you're going to complain about anything, go complain about how the character design of Anna and Elsa looks exactly like the design of Rapunzel (oh wait, they don't) or that the original Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale is being beaten into submission or something trivial like that. Or, tell you what, considering the movie isn't even coming out for a few more months, why don't you wait until the film's come out, watch it, and then rip it apart if it's as bad as your fears say it might be! Because then, at the very least, you have an informed opinion on what you're bashing. And, oh right, you might actually find that you were wrong, and the movie is great.

Just sayin'.

--Tiffany.

Disclaimer: Though I'm trying to get into the animation industry, I did not work on this movie, so I am technically unbiased. I can only say I'm "technically" unbiased because my lovely roommate, E, worked on it, so she, of course, has influenced my view on it, but seeing as I've only seen what everyone else has seen (i.e. the teaser, the trailer, the released synopsis, and the design artwork), the movie looks gorgeous, witty, funny, and like it will be a great joy to watch!